A confused nude walks in to a bar...

On a personal note, all of that heated discussion of pornography and sexual desire has made it clear to me that I'm not merely a "consensus seeker who dislikes conflict." It turns out I'm terrified of conflict, and of being in the thick of it.

It's weird because it really doesn't bother me if people disagree with me or dislike me. When I hear of people talking about me behind my back, I usually just think it's cool: it means that whatever else you can say about me, at least I'm not boring... ;-)

But for some reason open conflict where people are angry at me completely unnerves me; I can't handle it.

So maybe my usual attitude of "You believe what you believe, I'll believe what I believe, and let's not fight about it," isn't really motivated by rational detachment as much as it is motivated by some sort of neurosis.

Over the weekend I was worrying about whether I should go through with the amusing follow-up I'd planned for my posts Yes means yes and A feminist in favor of porn?:

I have a nude photo of myself from when I was twenty. I don't know if it's erotic -- it's a tasteful, partially-obscured, back view nude in the woods, probably less sexy (or maybe less revealing?) than my bikini photo (taken during my recent vacation that inspired my discussion of going topless on the beach, nude sunbathing, etc.), and I was thinking of posting the nude picture to my blog.

(Not as an inline photo -- I would upload it elsewhere and link to it like I did with my Naked People at Rutgers comics.)

The funny thing is that I've posted this nude photo to the Internet more than once just for fun, yet I hesitate to post it as a political statement about women and erotica. I'm not sure why, but I have this inexplicable feeling that something bad will happen.

Of course maybe something bad really would happen, like blogger deleting my blog. Which is why in the end I've decided to hold off on this proposed bit of performance art until I get my own separate website -- one where I'm more confident my writings won't go the way of JLO's...

The other funny thing is that for weeks I've been planning a post about why I love the Internet, and one of the points I was going to highlight was how much more confident and assertive I am because of my experience with Internet forums and blogging. But maybe I haven't really changed that much since the days when I felt traumatized by people jeering me at a political rally.

I know this whole post is a bunch of silly navel-gazing, but like La and so many others, I'm in this blogging thing for the self-discovery. :D

So if anyone's looking for me, tell them I'm off somewhere calmly re-reading Susie Sexpert's Lesbian Sex World.

A creation myth by Nicolas

My four-year-old son Nicolas was telling me about sharks the other day, and when I said something about sharks living in water, he said "No, sharks don't live in water, they live in the sea."

me: But the sea is made of water, right?

Nico: (after thinking about it a bit) Yes... There was a great big water bottle, and it spilled on the sand and made the sea!

So there you have it. And that's why the sea is made of water. ;^)

Okay, one more cute kid story:

My little Nico usually only speaks to me in English, but every now and then he'll learn something at school or from his French grandma and not know the corresponding words in English to talk about it. When that happens, and Nico wants to tell me about something he can only describe in French, he switches the language of the conversation as follows:

Nico: Maman ? (French for Mommy)

me: Yes?

Nico: Non, tu dis "Oui". [No, you say "Oui".]

me: Oui ?

Then he launches into his story in French.

(He's curious to know how to say the same thing in English, so I generally translate the things he tells me into English for him.)

Okay, one last one:

Recently Nico wanted a particular toy that was at a toystore on the other side of town. So we walked over there, and on the way back, when we were almost home, Nicolas started getting tired. He then made the following observation:

"If the store is far away from home, that means home is far away from the store."

The kid's a genius -- already formulating his own reciprocity theorems!! He's sure to be a great Mathematician one day!!! :D

A feminist in favor of porn? Is that possible?

When I finished writing my earlier piece on porn (Yes means yes), I looked at the statement "I am in favor of porn" and thought: "Gosh, that's an awfully strong statement -- maybe I should change it to 'I am not opposed to porn.'"

After all, take a look at the "Playboy attitude" that tells men that the good life is to be part of a boys' club that doesn't treat women as equals. Isn't it obvious that that's degrading to women?

But not all porn has the same theme and style. If you don't like the attitude of Playboy for example, it's not as if Hugh Hefner invented porn.

Yet, if some porn promotes a negative attitude towards women, why favor porn? Why not just be indifferent towards it?

Because looking at the evidence, I am absolutely convinced that porn decreases hostility towards women, increases acceptance of women's sexual autonomy, and makes ordinary women safer.

Here's a simple example that you have seen in your own lifetime.

Since the appearance of the Internet, there has been a massive increase in porn consumption in the US. There has been a phenomenal explosion not only in the amount of porn consumed but also in the proportion of the population that consumes porn regularly. Now where is the corresponding increase in the number of rapes? There is none. Indeed, rape has decreased significantly in the US over the same period. So even though this isn't proof that porn prevents rape, it certainly demonstrates that porn does not cause rape. It shows that increased availability of pornography doesn't lead to more danger for the average woman on the street.

I lifted that example from this article where the author showed that rape decreased the most -- by a wide margin -- in places with the most Internet access. And we all know what's on the Internet. (Note that the Feminist Law Profs have provided a critique of this argument.)

It's just a correlation, but this inverse correlation between porn and rape is strong enough that it's worth at least asking ourselves if maybe there's something to it. At the very least, it's compelling enough that -- if our real goal here is for women to be safer -- it warrants seriously re-analyzing the current feminist orthodoxy on the relationship between pornography and rape.

And really, I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect that porn consumption would decrease a man's inclination to commit rape for one big reason:

Positive erotic materials train males to make a strong distinction between wanted and unwanted sexual contact.

Traditional religious training teaches young men the following: that acting on their sexual impulses is bad in all circumstances (until marriage at some distant, indefinite point in the future). Indeed, even having such urges is a moral failing. No woman worth having wants to have sex -- those who consent are worthless trash.

The resulting sexual frustration can lead to feelings of shame, anger, and hostility, often directed at women in general as they are the focus of the thwarted desire. This mindset can lead to rape and other abuses.

(Note, I'm just talking about straight males here -- gay male sexuality is a completely different discussion.)

This model creates a climate where sexual release is always bad -- the woman's consent (or lack thereof) is irrelevant.

In theory, if males could be trained to completely suppress their sexual urges and feel aroused only on cue, that would solve the problem. However that is quite impossible. Aiming for that ideal creates a situation where occasionally the dam is going to break, and when it does, the stage is already set to interpret a lack of an explicit "no" as a "yes" and to see an explicit "no" as unimportant.

A constructive alternative is to provide a positive message about sex. Spread the word that sexual desires are not inherently bad or wrong. There exist harmless ways of enjoying your sexuality, in particular fantasy and masturbation, possibly in conjunction with published erotic materials.

Pornography (with masturbation) gives strong positive reinforcement for the idea that there exist women who consent to sexual expression and circumstances where sexual release is harmless and good.

And why be a monster when you're given the opportunity to be a lover instead?