Stalker

The stalker memoir that I've posted seven excerpts from was written in the Spring of 2001 from a detailed chronological outline that I wrote in August of 1999.

1. The Escape
2. New Year's Eve
3. After the First Break-in
4. Threatening Gestures
5. Locked in and Threatened at Knife-point
6. Spying and Terror
7. One Last Chase Scene

All of this really happened, which is why I haven't posted the complete memoir nor used anyone's full name -- to avoid posting personal information about real people.

I don't have the statistics, but I understand that when a woman meets a violent death, it's more likely to be at the hands of her own husband, boyfriend, or ex than anyone else. Fortunately I lived to tell this tale, so I'm posting this because I'd like to talk a little bit about this danger.

One thing you'll notice while reading the above is that I voluntarily met with this person on a number of occasions even after he started displaying pathological behavior. But keep in mind that the memoir was written in retrospect, and I specifically distilled and presented the worst of it. So, unfortunately, the story gives the misimpression that it was totally obvious the whole time that the guy was a psychotic fruitcake, and that the lesson to be learned is that as long as you avoid blatant psychos you're fine.

The point that's missing is that this stalker was someone I'd know for more than a year before the events described in this memoir. I was in regular phone contact with him -- with occasional visits -- for a year, and then had been living with him for about three months when I finally broke it off.

During all of that time it was essentially a normal relationship with no glaring red flags to indicate that he was potentially dangerous.

The somewhat red (pink perhaps?) flags were that he had kind of a fiery temper, and had vivid stories of how he and his brothers and his mother were beaten by his father. But I've known people with bad tempers who won't snap to the point of hurting a person, and just because someone is a victim of abuse doesn't mean he will necessarily follow the same pattern. He had told me how much he hated his father, and how he would never even consider forgiving him. So I assumed that meant he would be very wary of following in his father's footsteps. Yet, from my various discussions with him during the time period covered by this memoir, it became clear that on some level he had internalized some bad ideas about how a relationship functions by observing his primary relationship example: his parents.

So when he started behaving in a pathological manner, I felt frightened and angry, but I also felt sorry for him because he was someone I knew and had some feelings for, and I could see that he was having serious problems. Additionally, I felt somewhat responsible because I knew basically from the beginning that the relationship was more serious for him than it was for me. So I felt guilty when he accused me of having led him on.

So I guess the primary lesson I'd like people to take from this is that no matter what your feelings towards the person may be, when a guy starts acting in a violent or threating manner (physically restraining you from leaving, breaking into your apartment, etc.), really it should take a lot fewer of these signals for you than it did for me before you cut off contact, put some distance between yourself and the guy, and consider that helping him get better is someone else's responsibility...

Anyone who is compiling a website of true stories of stalking can feel free to link to this page. Obviously I don't want people reprinting, distributing, or making a movie out of this story without my consent, but if someone is compiling an anthology of real-life stories of domestic violence or something like that and wants to include this one, they can contact me: chanson dot exmormon at gmail dot com.