Saturday, September 06, 2008

Ask Chanson, via Google II

Those search queries just keep pouring in!!! Scrolling through my logs, I can see that the magic of the Internet has sent tons of people with questions (and in need of advice) to my blog, and -- never fear -- I am here to help!

As in the first installment of Ask Chanson, via Google, all of the following are actual unaltered search queries that led people to my blog:

Q: boys and girls and use the same bathroom?
A: In my apartment they do.

Q: what to say if you are an atheist and a good friend tries to convert you
A: Give him/her a copy of The God Delusion. J/K, if you value the friendship, that's probably not the best solution. Try having that "Let's agree to disagree and respect each other's values" talk. If that doesn't work, and the person insists on believing "everyone's a seeker until they've reached the point of agreeing with me," then I would start to question the value of the friendship.

Q: how to handle religious inlaws who don't approve of my atheism
A: Boundaries. I would highly recommend having a serious talk with your partner to make sure you're on the same page. Even if your partner isn't an atheist, you should be sure your partner understands the importance of treating one another with respect for the sake of family unity. If your partner blows off your concerns and thinks it's fine for his/her parents to be giving you subtle (or unsubtle) jabs, then try to avoid visiting your in-laws (encourage your partner to go without you).

Q: dad gave me the birds and bees talk
A: Good! If you have any further questions, I'm sure the Internet + Google can help! :D

Q: some people have nightmares about going to class naked
A: So true!

Q: three reasons why barack obama is the best candidate for president
A: (1) Energy independence and the environment are critical issues that need to be taken seriously now.
(2) He's very intelligent in an open-to-learning sort of way. I've read both his books, and his analysis transcends the standard left vs. right, and not in the sense of "let's find the most strategic way to compromise with our enemies" but rather in the sense of "let's analyze our problems and their causes without being limited to the traditional answers."
(3) Now that the other team has added a die-hard theocrat to the ticket (a sick old guy's heartbeat away from the captain's chair), they've completed the job of demonstrating they intend to stay the course 100% full steam ahead on GWB's failed policies. Frankly, with the addition of the abstinence-creationism-godly-war gov behind Mr. one-foot-in-the-grave, this is the most terrifying ticket I've ever seen, and I hope every citizen out there will be taking their job very seriously come November. I know I will. This is a critical election for the entire world...

Q: solution to discrimination against gays
A: I'd love to help you, if only I had a solution...

Q: worried about girls sunbathing topless
A: Sorry, with America's deadly dependence on foreign oil, the economy mortgaged to China, and the civil liberties of our Constitution hanging by a thread, you're worried about girls sunbathing topless? Sheesh, I wish that were my top concern...

Q: ex at family functions ignores me
A: That's too bad. But if it's annoying to run into your ex at family functions, next time don't marry your cousin.

Q: a man's visual arousal is part of his sin nature a man is not supposed to be aroused sexually by a womans physi
A: Hmmm. Well, if you feel that way, you can always go with a guy who's not aroused by women's bodies. One place to start is the various ex-gay groups. But I really, really, really don't recommend that option for straight women...

Q: did mary really appear at lourdes
A: What do you think?

Q: where to buy souvenirs in lourdes
A: Everywhere!!!

Q: masturbation versus spirituality
A: You can take my opinion with a grain of salt, but I think masturbation is better.

Q: what is the typical latin woman's behaviour
A: If you're imagining you'll get a concise and accurate answer to this on a blog, then that's a bad sign...

Q: signs that you're a stalker
A: If you have to ask, then you should probably cut it out, whatever it is you're doing.

Q: i feel awful for stalking a girl
A: Well, then, stop it and don't do it again.

Q: stephenie meyer perverted
A: That is so true! Have you read Twilight? **shudder**

Q: does masturbation harm your body for women
A: Normally it doesn't, as long as you avoid using ridiculously oversized sex toys covered with sharp spikes.

Q: is it true after been broken there is second virginity
A: It depends on your definition of "virginity," but, if possible, I'd avoid dating guys who would be influenced by such a thing.

Q: i'm the sexiest women in colombo sri lanka and i want to have sex with a guy in colombo
A: Well, your problem doesn't sound terribly difficult to solve. Why are you wasting your time on the Internet? Go outside and look around!

Q: get sexy woman who wants sex only in gujarat,india
A: Well, I can't help you on that, but you might consider a trip to Colombo, Sri Lanka.

Q: is thomas the tank gay
A: No, it's James. How many times do I have to explain this?

Q: atheist kilt
A: What, you're looking for a tartan with the red "A" woven into it? That would be cool, but I don't know of one. But one or more of these kilt-wearing guys are atheists.

Q: pictures of naked scotsman in kilts
Q: naked men in kilts
A: I hate to be a stickler, but if they're wearing kilts, then they're not naked...

Q: men look better kilt
Q: photos of men with kilts and no underwear
Q: photo under men in kilts
Q: men in kilts with no underwear on
Q: do men wear underware under kilts
A: Yeah, I've heard there's some sort of custom about kilts and no undies. I'm not an expert, but this guy seems to have the scoop.

Q: why don't men wear underwear with a kilt
A: Are you kidding? And give up that mystique? ;^)

Well, that's all for now. But remember, if you have a question of any kind, just type it into a search engine and an answer will appear!!! (Your mileage may vary...)


Christopher Smith said...

These posts crack me up to no end!

C. L. Hanson said...

Thanks Chris!!! "D

Anonymous said...

You're so much wiser than Solomon. Perhaps you should write a holy book or two.

C. L. Hanson said...

Thanks Chaplain!!!

That might be fun, actually. I'm glad you're not too angry at me for supporting a competing candidate... ;^)

Anonymous said...

These are incredibly great. Love your answers.

Anonymous said...

You know Chanson, laughing out loud is probably the most overused expression online but in reality it's rarely actually laughing out loud that happens, oui`? It's more like a quiet chuckle to ourselves?

But this morning you made me actually laugh out loud for real, scaring a couple of grandsons in the process.

" time don't marry your cousin."

I love Hillbilly humour, perhaps because I shared my life for so many years with one. One of Les' favorite jokes was:

How does a hillbilly get a date?

Psst, sis, wake up.

Oh wait, perhaps that's more mormon humour than Hillbilly humour?

Thanks for the laughs - great way to start a Sunday morning. Here's a link to a brief glimpse of my beloved Hillbilly in-laws.

(p.s. I hope this doesn't post twice - the 1st send doesn't appear to have worked.)

C. L. Hanson said...

Thanks Holly!!!

On a related note, I was just reading your Underestimating Conservatives post, and I hardly know what to say. Similarly, I'm horrified to see that so many people see Palin as a perfectly reasonable choice, yet I'm not really shocked. I stopped underestimating conservatives last election...

Thanks Tom!!!

I'm glad to have brought you a laugh!!! :D

p.s. your link is a little broken. I think you mean this.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you're not too angry at me for supporting a competing candidate... ;^)

I never would have figured you for a Sarah Palin supporter.

UneFemmePlusCourageuse said...

This was hilarious. The thing about naked men in kilts made me crack up.

C. L. Hanson said...

Hey Chappy!!!

No, I mean Obama! What, aren't you and Ex running against him anymore?

Thanks UFPC!!!

Yeah all the search queries about looking up people's kilts crack me up too -- I get them all the time! I guess when somebody is wearing a skirt, somebody else out there is going to get the idea to look up it.

C. L. Hanson said...

to all:

I've just posted a continuation of this post -- with all the search queries I've gotten about Mormon sexuality -- over at The Visitors' Center!

Anonymous said...

Thanks Chanson. I knew when I posted it that the link broke but I couldn't edit. I tried Little URL and they're no longer in business. Damn - I loved that place for long URLs.