Wednesday, March 29, 2006

An Immodest Proposal: sex on the first date?

I know I promised to try not to talk about sex too much in this column. But I've been on extra good behavior for the past few months (at least for me), so I feel like I deserve a little break.

Now I'm not going to write anything graphic, but if you're one of those people who is offended by the mere mention of unmarried people having sex with each other, I ask you to please stop reading right now.

Okay, you were warned. I'd better not see any angry comments from anyone who was naughty enough to read this column all the way to the end.

Whew! Now that I've got the disclaimer out of the way, on to today's topic: Why -- back in my dating days -- I used to always have sex on the first date. On principle. I'm not advocating that anyone else follow this practice. I'm merely explaining my reasoning in case you're curious about how the logical-yet-depraved mind works.

The following line of reasoning obviously applies mostly to women. I know a lot of guys who would also like to follow suit, and to them I say "Good luck to you on that."

The first reason for having sex on the first date is because it's fun. This reason alone would be enough for me, but it turns out that there's so much more!

The next reason is efficiency. Going straight to the sex part is really much more efficient than either the popular heathen practice of waiting until the third or fourth date or the popular LDS practice of waiting six whole weeks and taking a quick trip to the temple together before doing it.

The reason it's more efficient is that it shortens that awkward part where you're wondering where things are leading. Plus, if the guy is one of those guys who's just in it for the sex, and doesn't plan to call back after, this gets the whole thing over with right off the bat so you don't waste too much time on him.

There are guys out there who think that "nice girls don't" and that "women should be virgins until marriage", etc. This method eliminates those guys right off the bat too. Also eliminates closet gay guys. Hey, my time is valuable, people! I'm not so stingy about it, but I figure why should I waste three or four perfectly good evenings just to find out that I'm incompatible with some guy if I can do it in one?

The third and final reason for this practice is that it catches them off guard. Yes, even in our modern day and age, a lot of guys aren't expecting to get to go straight to the bedroom, and they don't see it coming. It confuses them. They've convinced themselves that this is their ultimate goal, so once it's over you can almost see the wheels spinning in their little brains as they go "Now what do I do?" You just can't buy entertainment like that.

Once the sexual tension is out of the way, both partners have a clear head to confront the serious questions of whether there's anything else there worth pursuing -- i.e. interesting conversation, and perhaps a relationship.

If your chosen quarry is a nerdy math, science, or computer type (or some other category of shy guy who isn't getting much), the answers to the above questions are more-or-less determined. When you get to the pillow talk stage, the guy pretty much assumes that now you're engaged to him. This has its advantages and disadvantages, so proceed with caution!

If, by contrast, you're of the mindset that the perfect lover turns into a pizza at 4 a.m., and you prefer the model where the guy doesn't call you back the next day, I'd say go for the super-outgoing flirty guy who has a million girls hanging off him. I have no first-hand experience with this category -- I'm just saying that it stands to reason.

Now some of you may be shocked that I appear to be advocating promiscuity, which is dangerous. Of course, given my weakness for the nerdly types, in my case most of these encounters lead to relationships -- see above -- so in the end it doesn't add up to all that many different partners total.

Still, remember that every single partner -- no matter how nerdly -- increases your disease risk. And I hope that it goes without saying that I mean with a condom every single time, plus avoiding obviously high-risk partners such as I.V. drug users and people with open sores on their naughty bits. Sex with another human is never "safe" -- even following all of the standard safety tips, the best you can hope for is "safer". Even in a monogamous relationship, you can never be 100% certain your partner isn't cheating on you and hence putting you at risk.

The only truly safe sex is to stay home and fly solo. And if that's your strategy, I hope that today's frank and mildly erotic discussion has proven helpful to you.

Another thing to keep in mind is that I'm talking about back the days when people tended to meet people through a friend of a friend or at school or work. I'm all in favor of meeting people on the Internet, but in that case I think I might have made an exception to my usual rule and gone for a lunch date in a public place first. One that includes me going home, and the guy going home to his own home instead of following me home. This would just be a first-pass litmus test to weed out the most flagrant and incorrigible stalkers.

At this point you should probably be protesting that -- while it's clear how I might have been able to put this theory into practice when I was in grad school surrounded by desperately horny math nerds -- it seems it would have been impossible for me to insist on always having sex on the first date back when I was at BYU, surrounded by virtuous and chaste returned-missionaries. The solution is simple: I didn't date the virtuous and chaste returned-missionaries. I was careful to actively avoid going on a date with any guys I suspected of being excessively righteous. Instead, with those guys I mostly just tried to trick them into coming over to my lair.

Ah, those bonny, bygone days!

And so ends today's set of fond reminiscences of a now-mostly-respectable little old lady.

Published in the Utah Valley Monitor March 15, 2006.


Sideon said...

Chanson, I like your style. We would have gone out and had a great time at dinner and/or dancing, but being gay, you would have weeded me out in the partner category. :)

I am so diggin' your blog.

C. L. Hanson said...

Thanks Sideon!!! I dig your blog too!!!

Don't worry -- I'm not saying that I have to have sex with every person that I see socially in any context!!! :D

I'm always willing to hang out and party with fun guys like you!!! :D

Rebecca said...

I'm new to reading your blog -- new to being an exmormon as well. Really loving your posts!

Cyn Bagley said...

I had a good laugh. ;-)

Rebecca said...

Hey, thanks for emailing me! I'd love for you to add my blog to your sidebar! Can I add yours to my links? How did you email me, by the way? I didn't think my email address was visible. Since it's the one I use for BYU... Anyway, your email was a noreply address, and I'm not really sure how else to contact you, so I'm just leaving a long comment.

Rebecca said...

Okay -- nevermind. I figured out the email thing -- it just automatically emails the comments to me...Right. Yeah, I'm new to this blogspot...

C. L. Hanson said...

Hi Rebecca!!!

That was exactly what I was about to say... ;-)

Don't worry -- random people reading your blog do not have access to your email address!!! :D

Anonymous said...

Gosh, now I wish I'd known you better at BYU. ;)

Anonymous said...

Amen Sister Hanson. Again, not to ruin my wholesome image... but I agree that this method did prove useful during my single days. ;)

C. L. Hanson said...

Hey Sacred Sister!!!

Works great, doesn't it? ;^)

Paul Sunstone said...

I just stumbled on this. Chanson, you're blog is so full of great writing, I wonder if I'm ever going to get to it all.

That's the best little essay on having sex on the first date I've had the pleasure to have read. It doesn't entirely convince me that having sex on the first date is something I'd be interested in at my time in life (age 50) but it does convince me there are conditions under which sex on the first date is most likely the wisest choice.

C. L. Hanson said...

Thanks Paul!!!

Anonymous said...

Here and here are why I would never again have sex on a first date.

It's not because of any sort of moral judgment against casual sex--I don't think getting naked on the first date makes you a bad person. I just found that sex with someone I barely knew and didn't quite trust wasn't usually that good--a couple times it was OK, but it was never great,and it was sometimes really bad, and I was left with stinky sheets and not enough sleep. This is no doubt something about me and of course results will differ; if it worked for you, I'm glad!

C. L. Hanson said...

Hey Holly!!!

That's fine -- just because I like this strategy doesn't mean it's right for everyone. In fact, I'd rather not see every straight woman take it up because it would screw up reason #3. ;^)

C. L. Hanson said...

p.s. I agree with the studies about how dating and marrying a feminist improves your sex life -- that's so obvious it hardly needs a study, although it's nice to back it up with a study.

OTOH, it's actually a boon for the "sex on the first date" strategy because there's no reason that having sex on the first date would eliminate feminist men. My personal experience has found the opposite: when you only date men who are interested in a long term relationship with a woman who seduces them right off the bat, it eliminates the traditionalists who mentally separate women into the categories of "virgin" and "whore".

C. L. Hanson said...

p.p.s.: I'm not sure I see the relevance of the first article you linked to, the one that talks about men wrongly supposing that feminists think all sex is rape. I am a feminist, I certainly did not rape any of the men I seduced on the first date (there was no coercion involved), and really, linking from an article about a woman actively choosing to have sex to an article about rape kinda undermines the point of the article (that feminists shouldn't be accused of thinking all sex is rape). Perhaps you meant to link to some other article?

Anonymous said...

No, I meant to link to the piece about the relationship between rape and predatory sex. I sort of knew when I was installing that link that the connection wouldn't be clear.... I should have followed my instincts there. Anyway, the point for me is this: there's a certain kind of man for whom predatory sex with as many partners as possible, as few as possible of whom are repeat partners, is the goal and the ideal. I've met some, and determined that it's kind of hard to figure out that's who and what they are upon initial contact, because they know how to act however they need to in order to get what they want. Although they are often very charming before the sex, they are also really selfish lovers and HORRIBLE people after the sex. So the best way to avoid them is to not sleep with them on the first date, since if they don't get what they want right away, they go away. And OK, it sucks to be rejected simply because you didn't put out on the first date, but for me at least, that sucks less than being rejected simply because you did. If I'm going to be rejected, I want it to be for something more complex than that. :-)

If that makes sense.

C. L. Hanson said...

Hey Holly!!!

Yeah, I think I get what you're talking about. On the one hand, it's often true that just having sex with the guy from the get-go really can save people from wasting too much time and emotion on guys who are just in it for the sex. On the other hand, it's not 100% for eliminating psycho predators, as my stalker experience demonstrates. In all seriousness, though, it is nearly 100% for eliminating religious traditionalists and closet gay guys.

The one thing to watch out for is accidentally eliminating guys who prefer sexual intimacy in the context of a loving relationship over casual sex -- they do exist, and it's easy to accidentally mistake them for traditionalists who see sexually active women as sluts.

Anyway, I'd like to say that there's not just one way to be a feminist, but I'm willing to believe that feminists of all stripes have more fun!!! :D

Anonymous said...

I think your approach is uber wholesome and wise. Get the sex out of the way quickly and up front and that way you're free to pursue anything else that might be there to pursue.

As a guy guy with a discreet amount of sexual experience under his belt (so to speak) I have a distinctly different approach to sex: first date, second date, last date, no date, dance floor, a toilet on the plane, in a stream, on a rock, in the ocean, bus driver, roommate, cousin, sibling (ahem) it doesn't really much matter.

Too many rules in my younger years created an aversion to them as I got older. I'm careful, to say the least. I'm a saint when placed alongside some of my more sexually active friends, and I'm a total whore when placed alongside others. I dance when I feel like dancing and I have long swift legs and know how to use them when my mind says run.

I know this is a gross generalization but I think being gay has made the dating/sex thing a little easier for me. Between us gay guys there is often, I believe, a greater capacity for allowing sex to be something we do for fun and entertainment rather than feeling like it always has to be attached to nesting and coupling emotions.

Being completely free sexually doesn't mean being indiscriminate. It just means that when I feel like responding sexually I'm able to without going through a lot of hand-wringing and soul-searching.

I honestly never even think in terms of sex on the first date or not. If it's there it's there and if it's not it's not. I can honestly say that first, second, third or fourth dates have no relevance in my consciousness when it comes to sex. Hell, I've had sex with lots of people that I never dated at all!!

I like being a whore - the expecations are lower and therefore I don't have to work as hard to get along in society. :-)

C. L. Hanson said...

Thanks Tom!!!

Yeah, thinking of this just in terms of dates is kind of limited. It's just a kind of shorthand. I like your way of looking at it: "It just means that when I feel like responding sexually I'm able to without going through a lot of hand-wringing and soul-searching." Bravo, absolutely!!!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the tips from the essay, but i got my girlfriend pregnat that way recently. Can you post me what to do in the full situation at my blog Please Chanson

C. L. Hanson said...

Hey Evan Williams -- yikes!!!

No matter which date you have sex on -- and even if you follow the safety precautions I've recommended -- sometimes pregnancy does indeed result. Reproduction is one of those things about being alive... What you decide to do at this point depends on your situation. I'll have a look at your post.

helensotiriadis said...

i like how you think.

C. L. Hanson said...

Thanks Too Many Tribbles!!! :D

Anonymous said...

chanson? It's Evan Williams, I don't have the sex-story on my blog yet i forgot...can you rate other articles on my blog anyway?

Anonymous said...

Oh shit! Did my boyfriend just tell you how I got pregnant? I told him not to tell anyone!
I'll tell you the whole story, i guess... we were at work. He told me that he liked me, then he asked me if I would go out with him to the 9:30 club to see the Foo Fighters with him. I said yes.
We went to the concert we both loved it! We walked to his car. Telling each other of dating stories. Then he told me he's only had a date once, and she broke up with him in 12 hours!
I felt bad for him. He never had sex in college either. I had. I asked him if he wanted to come to my place. We drank wine, he told jokes. Then I asked him if a nice boy like him would like to get naughty. He replied saying, "Baby can I fuck you all night?"
I accepted.
10:00 AM next morning he woke up then woke me up. He had to meet up with his brother. I woke up with nuasea. I thought it was from sex and it will go away by tomorrow.
Next morning I still had nuasea. I made an appointment with my doctor for the next week. We kept on dating every day, but we didn't have sex again.
The next week... At the doctors he told me I am a week pregnant. Evan and I kept dating. Then I told him he is going to be a father. He told me then that his parents are total virgins!
We had to get married. But we haven't yet we're still dating. I'm two months pregnant. And we're not married yet.
That's my story. Evan's going a little crazy about getting to be father. Not knowing what to do. And personally, I don't know what to do to be a mother. Do you know anything Chansen?

Anonymous said...

Sex, sex, sex, sex! I love your tips! I slept with the hottest girl I've ever seen ast week and we had sex every day since! I Love Her!
Thanks, Robby Semen

p.s. please don't make fun of my name!

Anonymous said...

I respect your comments about sex. I had sex every day practicly when I was at Virginia Tech. All the time! When you talked about how some guys seperate girls into "virgin" and "whore", it reminded me of how guy called me "whore" in college. But watch out, because of it, I met this guy who was in it for the sex. He had HIV. I got it too. I'm married now. The sex days where fun. But HIV or AADS are easy to catch. Don't go crazy about sex!

Lauren Dunn.

Anonymous said...


take that shit. Hugh Jass!

C. L. Hanson said...

Hey Lauren!!!

Thanks for the reminder -- it's true that having sex with multiple partners is very dangerous. As much as I emphasize the light and fun aspects in this post, it's important to be careful and responsible and take your decisions about sex very seriously.

Carla Schmidt Holloway said...

Okay I'm not sorry I never did it on the first date, considering my relationship past, but damn you sure changed my mind on it .... a little bit.

Unknown said...

I think Sex should only occur when two people know each-other and love each-other,
not when they've just met each-other. This could also lead to other problems like ST D's
and one night stands. After one date I'm positive you don't know the person THAT well.

sex on the first date