Friday, April 25, 2008

Ask Chanson (via Google)!

Ever since the Exterminator invented googl-oetry, I've taken to saving all my incoming search queries -- in hopes of regaling you all with another hilarious googl-oem like the one I composed here. The trouble is, though, that the funniest ones aren't that poetic. Or maybe it's just that they're such gems that I don't feel like I'm adding anything to them by juxtaposing them with one another.

Another thing I've noticed, though, is that a lot of them seem to be looking for information and or advice that I might be able to help on, but which may or not be answered on the page their query pulled up. So today I'll be playing advice columnist, treating my incoming search queries as (very, very short, cryptic) letters to me. :D

The first batch is the people asking about having sex on the first date. I get so many queries about this that I'm starting to feel like one of the world's leading experts on the subject. (Yes, these are all real queries typed int a search engine by readers -- and it isn't nearly all of them...)
Q: do most women prefer sex on the first date
Q: should i have sex on first date?
Q: having sex on first date what to say
Q: sex on first date always bad
Q: can sex on a first date turn into a relationship
Q: how many people have sex on the first date
Q: is it ok to have sex on the first date
Q: talking about sex on the 1st date
Q: how to not have sex on the first date
Q: should women 50 have sex on the first date
Q: sex in the car on the first date
Q: why people have sex at first date
Q: how to get sex on a first date
Q: men who get angry if you dont sleep with them on first date
Q: how to act after sex on the first date
Q: no sex on first date
Q: why people have sex on the first date?
Q: should a gay guy have sex the first meeting
Q: do real men call after having sex on the first date
Q: why doesnt guy call after sex on first date?
Q: how to get sex on the first date
Q: what they think about sex in a first date
Q: is sex on a first date ok

A: I can't promise I have useful advice for all of these people, but you can have a look at my thoughts on the subject here (and to a lesser degree here).

The next batch is the set of queries that I like to call the "I'm writing a book report" queries. Kids, if my ideas on these books are helpful, feel free to use them (though a citation is always appreciated...). Just remember not to copy/paste whole paragraphs since your teacher knows how to use Google too! :D

Q: ready explanation for class distinction in pride and prejudice
Q: innocence in pride and prejudice
A: see this post
Q: marquise de merteuil's servant girl
Q: dinner scenes in dangereuses liaisons and valmount
A: see this post
Q: role of rieux la peste
A: see this post
Q: political culture and persepolis
A: see this post
Q: walter kirn mormon story new yorker
A: see this post

An important sub-genre of this set is the questions about Philip Pullman's "His Dark Materials" trilogy. Some examples:

Q: pullman his dark materials part 1 review
Q: how is lyra like eve philip pullman his dark materials
Q: atheist fantasy book
Q: his dark materials themes
Q: atheism dark matter
Q: interpretation of his dark materials trilogy
Q: is philip pullman an atheist
Q: his dark materials, philip pullman, premise of books

A: These questions and many others are answered here.

However, more than half of my Pullman-related queries are asking one big question:

Q: do lyra and will have sex?
Q: philip pullman sex lyra
Q: lyra and will sex
Q: dark materials lyra will sex
Q: his dark materials sex
Q: his dark material, do will and lyra have sexual relations
Q: lyra and will are way too young to be makin out

I'm glad I've taken the time to discuss this (here). It makes me feel like I'm providing a valuable public service with my blog because clearly many, many people are confused on this point.

Pullman himself won't answer. I don't have the exact quote, but I read an interview where he said he wanted to leave the question open. Well, no duh, I would guess that when a grown-up writes a romantic love scene where a fifteen-year-old boy has unprotected sex with a twelve or thirteen-year-old girl, there's a certain amount of social pressure to pretend like maybe you didn't really write that.

It's unfortunate, too, because teens these days are having romantic/sexual relationships, and since they're still in the "learning about relationships" phase, they might really benefit from stories about other young people -- and particularly stories that take their relationships seriously. I have this exact problem with Exmormon: I wrote it largely for young people (hoping to be the Mormon Judy Blume), but since I don't want to get in trouble for corrupting the youth and being an inappropriate influence on other peoples' kids, I add the caveat that it's for people over 18 and/or teens whose parents have read it and have decided their kids are mature enough to handle it...

Anyway, off that soapbox and on to some real-life advice queries that led people to me!!!

Q: im worried about my non believing aunt going to hell
A: Well, worry no more!!! Hell doesn't exist.

Q: how to tell parents i'm atheist
A: This is a tricky one since there's no one right answer. It depends on your situation and your parents. You're on the right track to be searching the Internet, though!!! Read some atheist blogs, look for "coming out as atheist" stories, and from there you can plan the approach that's right for you and your family!

Q: my husband thinks its his fault our son is gay
A: Contact PFLAG -- they can help you out on this.

Q: i agreed to have sex with a guy i just met but now i wish i didn't
A: Well, if you haven't gone through with it yet, you're allowed to change your mind. Saying "sure, I'll have sex with you sometime" isn't a legally binding contract. If you've already done it, however, I hope you've learned a lesson about planning and thinking things through. Also, beware of alcohol if you're in a social situation with a guy you're not sure whether you want to have sex with or not.

Q: she is way hotter than i am is it even possible
A: Probably not, but you never know...

Q: i hate america switzerland and mormons
A: Then you've totally come to the wrong blog.

Q: child friendly story of christian pilgrimage to lourdes
A: Well, you're in luck -- I've written a whole series on taking kids to Lourdes!!!

Q: is pornography tied in with polygamy
A: Not really, but I have heard that early Mormons argued that polygamy is a good way to combat the horrible evil of male masturbation. I hope I don't have to explain how messed-up that is. (Also, it probably doesn't help much to stop female masturbation...)

Q: how did homesexuals affect the civil war
A: Good question!!! I have no idea, but if you figure it out, please tell me.

Q: arranged marriage should i tell her i masterbate
A: Probably, but not right off the bat. One of the problems with an arranged marriage is that you don't necessarily have a feel for your partner's attitudes. Also, if she's recently arrived from India, you never know if she might find western attitudes towards sex shocking, and this could start your relationship off on a bad note. I'd say wait until you have your intimate relationship established and you have a feel for your partner's attitudes. Introduce new ideas in a manner that is considerate of your partner's feelings. Once you get the impression she's willing and ready to have such a discussion, go ahead.

Q: am i bad at sex
A: How the hell should I know? Talk to your partner about it. If you are, good communication -- listening to what your partner likes and doesn't like -- can help you improve.

Q: real logical proof evolution is wrong
A: Mwahahahahahahahaha!!! Good luck, buddy!!! ;^)

Q: it takes faith to be an atheist argument
A: I've covered that one thoroghly here.

Q: biggest biblical massacre
A: That's a tricky one since there are a lot of contenders, but I talked about one of them here.

Q: ice cream and rape correlation
A: I'm glad Rebecca brought this up in the comments of this post because her comment regularly brings in search queries which I assume are from people who are interested in discussing how we should interpret statistical correlations with complicated things like rape. There's also the follow-up post talking about the correlation between porn and rape (the fact that rape decreases as porn access increases), and a discussion of how we might interpret that.

Q: what happens if i get a hard on at nude beach
A: They arrest you immediately. Haha, just kidding!!! The correct answer is "you will be very, very, very embarrassed."

Actually, I've gotten a whole series of questions about the nude beach, including topics I've covered (Q: topless seine A: see topless on the beach; Q: nude beaches urinating A: see More tales from the nude beach...), as well as a bunch of stuff I didn't cover:

Q: women have you ever done to the nudists beach to see naked guys
A: You mean gone? Probably some have, but not nearly so many as guys who go there to see the naked women.

Q: are nude beaches fun?
A: Yes.

Q: why aren't more beaches topless
A: Some people like to go swimming and not see naked people. Hard to believe, but true.

Q: why do women go topless on beaches ?
A: Does there have to be a reason?

Q: nude sunbathing benefits of
A: Uniformizes your skin cancer risk.

Q: extreme nude beaches
A: lol, regular nude beaches aren't exciting enough?

Q: why do the french have topless beaches in france
A: Where the hell else are they going to have them???

Q: nude sunbathing is ok with mom
A: That's good. You should really always get your mom's approval on this...

And the list goes on and on. I can't begin to tell you how many queries I get for sexy pics of people in particular places ever since I joked about that here. (Of course I have not posted any nude pics at all of anyone on my blog unless you count those silly little naked comics.) Actually those queries are some of the most entertaining (for my inner anthropologist) since I get a uniform distribution of people with local tastes (eg. the query "sexy ladies of boise idaho" coming in on an I.P. address in Boise, Idaho, or the query "sexy arab ladies" coming in from an I.P. address in the United Arab Emirates) and then people with really, really random exotic tastes (eg. the query "sexy naked ladies of Belgium" coming in from Cleveland, Ohio). I'll just say that -- if my stats are any indication -- no matter where you're from on the whole planet, somebody, somewhere wants to see you naked. ;^)

Then, of course, we have the whole range of Mormon-related questions:

Q: i found out my mormon boyfriend told another girl to wait for him
A: That sucks. On the other hand, if he's two-timing you while on his mission and you're at home, you could always try dating somebody else...

Q: you're an apostate
A: Why, thank you!

Q: lds teenage masturbation solutions
A: Believers probably won't like my solution, but I'll post it since you asked: Tell him/her it's normal (and private), and don't bug them about it.

Q: mormon girl can't date me sex
A: Well, those are the breaks. But (to give you another helpful cliché) there are other fish in the sea! :D

Q: i had sex with a mormon missionary
A: Well, that was very, very naughty of you!!! That's totally against their rules. Sheesh, I couldn't even get them to come to my house unchaperoned, see my series of mishie stories.

Q: are there girls at byu who have had sex
A: Yes. But that's against the rules too.

Q: sister missionaries sexy pics
A: I'm beginning to think some of you people don't really understand how this whole mission thing works...

Q: are there different types of mormons
A: Yes. In fact, I've made a whole handy guide to different types of Mormons.

Q: download exmormon c.l. hanson
A: I have chosen not to make this book avaliable for anonymous download. If you want an e-copy, you have to email me: chanson dot exmormon at gmail dot com

Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to wrap this up since it's getting so long that blogger is choking on the autosave. It's too bad, too, because I've barely scratched the surface of the whole families of fabulous search queries I've gotten lately!!!

Oh well, I'll end with a really nice one I got the other day:

Q: most popular blog ex mormon mom
A: Aww, if only it were true!!! :D I'm flattered that this led you to my blog anyway, and I plan to keep on providing you with useful and/or entertaining stories right here at "Letters from a Broad"! :D


B.G. Christensen said...

Q: download exmormon c.l. hanson

I assumed that was someone who wanted to download you.

C. L. Hanson said...

Hey Mr. Fob!!!

LOL, I hadn't thought of that, but it's another possible interpretation. ;^)

Unfortunately -- like the book -- I'm also not avaliable for anonymous download. ;^)

Christopher Smith said...

This whole post cracked me up!

I keep track of all my keywords too, but mine are far less interesting. Maybe if I talked about sex more...

C. L. Hanson said...

Hey Chris!!!

Exactly!!! If you want hilarious incoming queries, that's the whole secret!!! :D

Anonymous said...

LOL! You are much wiser than Ann Landers and Abigail Van Buren combined. Can I send advice queries to you directly or do I have to go through Google?

C. L. Hanson said...

Thanks Chaplain!!!

Actually since posting this I've already received an advice question via email (and responded)!! So, yeah, those who want direct advice can email me. However, if you'd like your question and response posted for all to see, it's best to go through google.

Hellmut said...

Very funny, Chanson. Just in case you missed it: the BBC reports that masturbation REDUCES cancer.

I thought that your readers would like to know.

The Sinister Porpoise said...

Ahem, the short piece about the Mormon ending of Dr. Strangelove has been posted to my old Blogspot blog if you still have the link.

C. L. Hanson said...

Hey Hellmut!!!

Yeah, it seems like people have suspected that for a while, but it's nice to see some serious studies backing it up! :D

Hey Sinister Porpoise!!!

Yep, I found it here. Good analysis -- you may well have a point! :D

Anonymous said...

i hate america switzerland and mormons

I swear I didn't write this!!

But I totally want to know who did...

C. L. Hanson said...

Hey Wry!!!

I know what you mean! It's so random to pick that particular set -- so I'm not surprised that my blog came up -- but I'm curious to know what prompted someone out there to write that! But google search queries are almost always random people you wouldn't know from the blog community, so we'll probably never know...

Bored in Vernal said...

oh, chanson, you are my fave exmormon blog. this post was soooooo funny, and full of practical advice!

C. L. Hanson said...

Thanks BiV!!!

Reading the search queries that lead people here is one of the most entertaining parts of blogging, so I thought I'd return the favor by giving these poor souls some helpful advice! ;^)

MoHoHawaii said...

You can give me advice anytime.

If you have a minute, here are some questions that have been bugging me:

Q: Can God go faster than the speed of light? If so, what is his mass? If not, do the future astronauts of Bush's planned Mars mission need to factor in a time delay when they pray?

Q: How pissed off can you appear to be when going through U.S. immigration? Is it okay to mutter epithets about the current administration?

Q: What is the right age to have or adopt kids? What are the upper and lower age limits? (on the scale of 'advisable' not just 'biologically feasible'.)

Q: Have you seen 2001: A Space Odyssey? What do you think about it?

C. L. Hanson said...

Hey MoHoHawaii!!!

Sure, I'll take a crack at them!!! :D

Q: Can God go faster than the speed of light? If so, what is his mass? If not, do the future astronauts of Bush's planned Mars mission need to factor in a time delay when they pray?
A: I don't know, but I think the Discovery Institute should totally give you a grant to study this because this is as close as they get to a testable hypothesis with a proposed research plan...

Q: How pissed off can you appear to be when going through U.S. immigration? Is it okay to mutter epithets about the current administration?
A: You probably shouldn't go out of your way to bring up the current administration. However, if you're made to walk past a portrait of the president, it's good form to turn to your traveling companion and ask "OMG, why'd they post a picture of that idiot? Then when your friend says, "Well, he is the president..." you say, "Oh yeah." At this point, you may mutter "I'm so embarrassed to be an American lately..."

Q: What is the right age to have or adopt kids? What are the upper and lower age limits? (on the scale of 'advisable' not just 'biologically feasible'.)
A: For older parents, I'm not sure there's a hard-and-fast cut-off, but you ought to do a little research in the form of calculating how old you'll be when the kid is a teen and then try to meet some parents that age who have a teen and spend some time with them. This should help give you a feel for whether you can handle it.

For younger people, the question is more complex. Throughout most of human history most parents have been young (by modern standards), including quite a lot of teens. So it's a little crazy to do a blanket condemnation of starting a family young. On the other hand, with today's long lifespans, why the rush to get yourself into a full-time 24/7 responsibility for the next 20 years that you absolutely can't change your mind about? Even if you think you're absolutely sure now that this is what you want to do for the next 18-20 years, the thing is that people continue to change dramatically in attitudes, values, and outlook up through the age of at least 25 (which is a positive thing, to be embraced!). So I wouldn't advise someone under 25 to adopt, but at the same time I wouldn't say adopting a child is the wrong choice for all young people either. I would rather advise them not to take the decision lightly.

Q: Have you seen 2001: A Space Odyssey? What do you think about it?
A: I've seen parts of it, but I don't think I've seen the whole thing, so I don't really have an opinion on it. Sorry...

MattMan said...

OMFG! You haven't seen 2001: A Space Odyssey from start to finish?

Readers, we seriously need to start a charity fund here to get chanson a copy of that movie, posthaste!

C. L. Hanson said...

Hey MattMan!!!

Yeah, I should probably make a point to see it. Thanks for your concern! ;^)