Sunday, January 11, 2009

Ask chanson via google, 3 1/2!!!

Yep, I get search queries. And, though the vast majority land on posts that answer the query in an obvious way (eg. Q: napkin art, Q: youth conference lds, Q: the mouse that didn't believe in santa, Q: southern right whale penis photo, etc.), many warrant special attention.

As in installments 1, 2, and 2 1/2, all of these are real, unaltered search queries that led people to my blog!

Q: essays on my vacation in german language
A: Ever since I put up two posts called My summer vacation essay, part 1 and 2, I started getting a ton of queries looking for summer vacation essays, presumably for school (eg. Q: free on line essay on my summer vacition, or Q: essay on my summer holidays for 2nd standad child). The weird thing, though, is how many of them specified they'd like the essay to be in French, German, or some other language. Here's a clue folks: if you'd like an essay in German, try translating the desired essay topic into German before typing it into google. Of course, the people who are clever enough to figure that out are probably doing their own homework rather than search-querying for help...

Q: how do mormons determine who is worthy
A: Mostly through interviews, especially the "temple recommend interview". Officials in the lay ministry (such as the Bishop or Stake President) interview the members individually every now and then.

Q: what is the true meaning of christmas for a kid?
A: It really depends on the kid. And even if the kid is only interested in the presents now, his/her later memories of Christmas (looking back) may have added meaning.

Q: ex-mormons feel like a slut
A: Probably some do, but not all. And, to be honest, believers may feel more guilt and shame over sexuality than exmos.

Q: exmormon fly
A: This one has me stumped. Are you asking if exmos can fly? Or whether a fly could be an exmo? Or are exmos more likely to accidentally leave their fly down or something? I'd like to help you, but you have to be more specific.

Q: my parents think i'm apostate
A: Join the club.

Q: i do not belong in byui
A: Join the club.

Q: i ran naked my wife stayed clothed
A: Join the... I mean what the...?

Q: what do most people do right after sex as far as bodily fluids
A: You see, there's this miraculous invention called a towel...

Q: ok to masturbate if wife doesnt want to have sex and mormon?
A: I think so, but you may want a second opinion. (see also: fidelity, autonomy)

Q: why do women feel threatened by their spouse masturbating
A: I think it's mostly because they worry their spouse would rather be having sex with someone else, feel they can't compete with the sexy women in photos, etc. If you'd like your wife to cut you some slack on this, I'd recommend making it clear to your wife that you love her, that you're attracted to her, that you're not wishing you could trade her in for someone else, etc., and that the masturbation is just about variety or frequency or something like that.

Q: marriage or finding girl solves the masterbation?
A: I wouldn't bank on it.

Q: mormom return missionary sisters make good wives
A: That may be true, but it depends on the individual woman and on what you're looking for in a wife.

Q: can you go to jail if you read sex stories even if they don't show no nudity
A: Why would you think you could be put in jail for reading sex stories, whether they contain nudity or not? Has someone been filling your head with such nonsense? Note: this query came in from an I.P. address in Alabama, and I assume that possession of erotica is not illegal there. It's comforting to know that the Internet is counteracting misinformation all over the world.

Some readers may notice that I kind of focus on the sex-related queries in this feature -- even though they're not the majority of the queries I get. They're some of the most interesting ones, though. It seems like people will ask google stuff that they won't ask their friends and family. In particular, people type in queries that I assume are fetishes they'd like to read titillating stories about. I hope readers won't be offended if I list some of these off as a curiosity.

Remember: I had no choice but to read these weird, perverted queries myself when they showed up in my logs, and I was shocked! Thus, I have to post them so you can see what I'm talking about. Additionally, this list may help budding erotica-writers out there by giving them some market-tested ideas to use to help people like our friend from Alabama.

Q: perverted part in the grinch
Q: white christmas gay porn
Q: mom & son nude beach photos
Q: attracted to physically strong
Q: women's topless breasts spokane
Q: sexy sister missionaries
Q: unexpected sex in public local bus
Q: moms getting wedgies
Q: look male but he female
Q: erotic stories about mormon missionaries
Q: short erotic stories, santa clause
Q: breastfeeding orgasm stories

Anyone interested in writing any of those?


Varina said...

Is it wrong that the first ting that popped into my head reading your slut question was (to the tune Almond Joy jingle bien sur) "Sometimes I fell like a slut...Sometimes I don't"?
Also, do some men feel threatened if their wives masturbate, or is this not something most will discuss openly?

Oh, and on the sex stories, there's some interesting censorship things going down about sexually explicit comics. See here: or here:

C. L. Hanson said...

Re: Sometimes I fell like a slut...Sometimes I don't

ROTFL!!! That didn't even occur to me, but now that you mention it, it's perfect! ;^)

Another reason to post those search queries -- helpful input from other readers. ;^)

Re: do some men feel threatened if their wives masturbate, or is this not something most will discuss openly?

My suspicion is that the guys who are traditionalist enough to be bothered by their wives masturbating probably wouldn't think to suspect their wives of it. But I don't know. Maybe now that you've posted the question I'll get some queries from women wondering why their husbands don't want them to masturbate...

And thanks for the article links -- it's always kind of bothered me that child pornography laws can apply to adults posting pictures of their (younger) selves since obviously in such a case there's no question of a child being expolited.

MoHoHawaii said...

I'm really surprised that there's no slash fiction about Mormon missionaries. (I promise wasn't the one who searched for that, but if I ran across such a story you know I'd read it.)

Which reminds me, there seems to be no Obama/McCain slash fiction. Isn't that weird?

C. L. Hanson said...

Hey MoHoHawaii!!!

You really think there's no slash fiction about Mormon missionaries? Maybe it's just because the idea that the mishie and his companion might be more than just companions (wink, wink) is just too obvious?

C. L. Hanson said...

One last point:

I've recently gotten hits on the queries "famous excommunicated mormons" and "the most sexiest person on blogger." I'm not going to claim I necessarily deserve these, but it's the sort of thing that makes this whole blogging hobby worthwhile. ;^)

Anonymous said...

"Moms getting wedgies"


Dayum, woman. That made me L right OL.

- wry

C. L. Hanson said...

Thanks Wry!!!

It's because I wrote about moms giving wedgies. That was when I discovered (via search queries) that there's a whole mom/wedgie fetish out there...