Monday, August 24, 2009

Obscure Requests via Google!

Along the same lines as the puzzling queries from June, my latest queriers have been looking for some rather strange and obscure information. Some of these odd requests are actually relevant to stuff I've written about! Others, not so much.

But -- in my endless quest to provide a valuable, blogtastic public service -- I will answer them here for you!! As usual (see here, here, here, here, here, and here) all are real, unedited search queries that people typed in to land on my blog.

Q: what are the chances of me living in a parallel universe
A: Parallel to what? Parallel to the "real" universe? Or to something else?

I suppose that if parallel universes exist, then the universe you're in may be parallel to one of them, hence your universe would be parallel to it. (I'm not speaking for my own universe though.) Also, don't rule out living in a perpendicular universe!

Q: whale mating porn video
A: See, this is kind of an obscure one, and yet I've written about it twice, here and here. Since those two posts, I've actually seen another David Attenborough film that featured an extended group-whale-sex scene with multiple male whales simultaneously attempting to mate with a female. I'm sorry I don't remember the name of the film. Also -- for future reference -- when the mating scene involves only non-human animals, it's not called a "porn video," it's called a "nature documentary."

Q: why grammar rules??
A: They give the pedantic something to do.

Q: lds stories of overcoming challenges in are lives
A: Challenges like... homonym impairment? (I know, that's too easy and kinda conflicts with my previous answer, but I'm going to go with it.)

Q: abigail van buren teen nudity
A: Now that's obscurity for you! I don't recall having reviewed Erotic Stories from the Lives of the First Ladies.

At least that's what I was thinking until it hit me that Martin Van Buren's wife was actually named "Hannah" and "Abigail Van Buren" is the advice columnist "Dear Abby." It's very possible that Dear Abby has written about teen nudity -- I wouldn't know since I haven't read her column since I was a teen myself. But don't write to her, write to me! Via Google!

Q: essay on picnic in swimming pool
A: It is not a good idea to have a picnic in a swimming pool because it gets the food all wet and chlorine-y, not to mention yuckifying the pool water. The End.

Q: does south pole exists
A: Well, there's not really a candy-striped pole (like they have near Santa's at the North Pole), but there is indeed a point where the Earth's rotational axis intersects the surface of Antarctica.

Q: don't want to go on mission lds
A: I'm totally with you on this one. As much as I hated the sexism of the LDS church as a teen, this was one point where I really appreciated the sexism. Even at my most faithful, I couldn't understand why any woman would choose to go on a mission since they're not obligated to do it. To me, it was like God said He'd appreciate it if you'd show your faithfulness by poking your eye out with a fork, but He wouldn't be disappointed if you choose not to do it. I was like, "OK, I won't then." But that's just me.

Q: are you allowed on a lds mission if you have had sex
A: It depends. If you're going on one of those "retired couple" missions, you're actually allowed to have sex while on your mission! It seems a shame, really, since the young ones are more likely to appreciate the privilege.

However, I assume you're talking about those young, clean-cut guys in their Mr. Mac suits -- can they really all be virgins??? You can get in trouble just thinking about it!

Since they changed the rules a few years ago ("raising the bar"), I think that having had sex (even after repentance) may disqualify a young person from serving a mission, but it probably depends on the local leaders and on how convincingly penitent the prospective missionary is. Also I hear that some lie about this in order to be allowed to go. Mystifying but true!

Q: mormon erotic stories
A: Please see the Gratuitious Love Scene, or -- if you prefer gay missionary stories -- see Missions, Mothers, & Marriage.

Q: my wife is naked
A: Then what the hell are you doing wasting your time on the Internet?

*** Actually this is kind of leading towards the non-obscure, most popular search query topic! ***

Q: i dont mind my sis nude in beach
A: That's very noble of you.

Q: how to get your girlfriend topless on beach
Q: wife wants to tan topless
Q: wife won't go topless
Q: wife topless beach
Q: let wife go nude on beach ?
Q: i encourage my wife to sunbathe topless
A: This seems to be an extremely common conundrum! Some men want their wives/girlfriends to sunbathe nude or topless, others can't decide whether they want that or not. It's just too bad that I don't seem to attract nearly as many queries from women about whether/why they'd like to sunbathe topless -- we could have a summit on the subject! I suspect women don't spend nearly as much time thinking about it, though...

I know, I know, I'm just assuming that the above are queries from men, when some of them might be from lesbians. I still think that it's a safe bet that most of them are from men. The only nude beach query I've gotten lately that I'd bet is from a woman is this one:

Q: is portsmouth nude beach full of old men
A: I have no idea. Why not check it out and report back? :D


Craig said...

OMG those are hilarious. People are weird.

Varina said...

Now you have me wondering about the sex life of couple missionaries.

Ziff said...

Hilarious, chanson! Thanks so much for posting these. Your replies are priceless!

C. L. Hanson said...

Thanks All!!!

I would suspect that couple missionaries have the same sort of sex life as other retired couples...

Unknown said...

LOL always funny, chanson!

mathmom said...

My response to "Why grammar rules?" is, "Grammar doesn't rule. Math rules!"

C. L. Hanson said...

Thanks Markii!!!

Hey Mathmom!!!

That's perfect -- I wish I'd thought of it! :D

Anonymous said...

How does it feel to be (apparently, judging by the number of queries you get on this topic) the world's leading Ex-Mo expert on nude beaches?

C. L. Hanson said...

Hey Chaplain!!!

I hope so! :D

UneFemmePlusCourageuse said...

It's funny to imagine the sort of thoughts that led to people typing these into Google. Absurdly funny.

C. L. Hanson said...

It's one of the most entertaining aspects of blogging. ;^)

Ms. Jack said...

Remind me not to read these while class is going on.

Laughing out loud in the middle of a lecture is a dead give-away that you're surfing teh Intarweb instead of paying attention.

C. L. Hanson said...

lol ;^)