Along the same lines as the puzzling queries from June, my latest queriers have been looking for some rather strange and obscure information. Some of these odd requests are actually relevant to stuff I've written about! Others, not so much.
But -- in my endless quest to provide a valuable, blogtastic public service -- I will answer them here for you!! As usual (see here, here, here, here, here, and here) all are real, unedited search queries that people typed in to land on my blog.
Q: what are the chances of me living in a parallel universe
A: Parallel to what? Parallel to the "real" universe? Or to something else?
I suppose that if parallel universes exist, then the universe you're in may be parallel to one of them, hence your universe would be parallel to it. (I'm not speaking for my own universe though.) Also, don't rule out living in a perpendicular universe!
Q: whale mating porn video
A: See, this is kind of an obscure one, and yet I've written about it twice, here and here. Since those two posts, I've actually seen another David Attenborough film that featured an extended group-whale-sex scene with multiple male whales simultaneously attempting to mate with a female. I'm sorry I don't remember the name of the film. Also -- for future reference -- when the mating scene involves only non-human animals, it's not called a "porn video," it's called a "nature documentary."
Q: why grammar rules??
A: They give the pedantic something to do.
Q: lds stories of overcoming challenges in are lives
A: Challenges like... homonym impairment? (I know, that's too easy and kinda conflicts with my previous answer, but I'm going to go with it.)
Q: abigail van buren teen nudity
A: Now that's obscurity for you! I don't recall having reviewed Erotic Stories from the Lives of the First Ladies.
At least that's what I was thinking until it hit me that Martin Van Buren's wife was actually named "Hannah" and "Abigail Van Buren" is the advice columnist "Dear Abby." It's very possible that Dear Abby has written about teen nudity -- I wouldn't know since I haven't read her column since I was a teen myself. But don't write to her, write to me! Via Google!
Q: essay on picnic in swimming pool
A: It is not a good idea to have a picnic in a swimming pool because it gets the food all wet and chlorine-y, not to mention yuckifying the pool water. The End.
Q: does south pole exists
A: Well, there's not really a candy-striped pole (like they have near Santa's at the North Pole), but there is indeed a point where the Earth's rotational axis intersects the surface of Antarctica.
Q: don't want to go on mission lds
A: I'm totally with you on this one. As much as I hated the sexism of the LDS church as a teen, this was one point where I really appreciated the sexism. Even at my most faithful, I couldn't understand why any woman would choose to go on a mission since they're not obligated to do it. To me, it was like God said He'd appreciate it if you'd show your faithfulness by poking your eye out with a fork, but He wouldn't be disappointed if you choose not to do it. I was like, "OK, I won't then." But that's just me.
Q: are you allowed on a lds mission if you have had sex
A: It depends. If you're going on one of those "retired couple" missions, you're actually allowed to have sex while on your mission! It seems a shame, really, since the young ones are more likely to appreciate the privilege.
However, I assume you're talking about those young, clean-cut guys in their Mr. Mac suits -- can they really all be virgins??? You can get in trouble just thinking about it!
Since they changed the rules a few years ago ("raising the bar"), I think that having had sex (even after repentance) may disqualify a young person from serving a mission, but it probably depends on the local leaders and on how convincingly penitent the prospective missionary is. Also I hear that some lie about this in order to be allowed to go. Mystifying but true!
Q: mormon erotic stories
A: Please see the Gratuitious Love Scene, or -- if you prefer gay missionary stories -- see Missions, Mothers, & Marriage.
Q: my wife is naked
A: Then what the hell are you doing wasting your time on the Internet?
*** Actually this is kind of leading towards the non-obscure, most popular search query topic! ***
Q: i dont mind my sis nude in beach
A: That's very noble of you.
Q: how to get your girlfriend topless on beach
Q: wife wants to tan topless
Q: wife won't go topless
Q: wife topless beach
Q: let wife go nude on beach ?
Q: i encourage my wife to sunbathe topless
A: This seems to be an extremely common conundrum! Some men want their wives/girlfriends to sunbathe nude or topless, others can't decide whether they want that or not. It's just too bad that I don't seem to attract nearly as many queries from women about whether/why they'd like to sunbathe topless -- we could have a summit on the subject! I suspect women don't spend nearly as much time thinking about it, though...
I know, I know, I'm just assuming that the above are queries from men, when some of them might be from lesbians. I still think that it's a safe bet that most of them are from men. The only nude beach query I've gotten lately that I'd bet is from a woman is this one:
Q: is portsmouth nude beach full of old men
A: I have no idea. Why not check it out and report back? :D
The Adventures of a Friendly French-American ExMormon Atheist Mom Living in Switzerland!!!
Showing posts with label search queries. Show all posts
Showing posts with label search queries. Show all posts
Monday, August 24, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Search query puzzlers!
I've been trying to restrain myself from doing too many search query posts ever since Felicia said it was a cliché. Admittedly, Andrew did one since then, helping to increase the coolness factor a little bit. But the trouble is that I've recently gotten a bunch of search queries that have stumped even me! So, I have no choice but to post them and see if any of you have any answers for these poor, unfortunate queriers:
Q: suicidal beached whales verses mass murderers
A: Sorry, what?? Are you asking which would win? Uh... both..?
Q: verb tenses had better make an effort
A: D'oh!! You found a verb construction I missed in my million English verb tenses and moods, illustrated dialog! And what the hell kind of construction is "had better" anyway?
Q: the name of an aspect of something used to refer to the whole thing, such as when alcohol is called the bottle
A: Man, I don't remember the word for that, either. I'm really on a roll here when it comes to High School English class. Now I know you guys are going to say "Wikipedia!" or "google it!" but what do I look it up under? If I type that description into google, it'll just land me back here, and you can see how much help that will be...
Q: do brilliant women have beautiful pussies and loving attitudes?
A: I dunno. Probably some do, but I haven't seen any studies on it or anything.
Q: lourdes - places to go besides church
A: lol, good luck! You can try playing the game of who can find the tackiest souvenir, but aside from that and church, there's not much else. Maybe consider a change of destination? Unless somebody here knows of something non-churchy in Lourdes...
Q: i love the fountain and i'm an atheist
A: See, this one I really don't get. What fountain? And what does it have to do with being an atheist?
Q: should a blogger post a personal picture of himself?
A: I say yes, but I know there's some disagreement on this one! :D
Q: what is better place to live in swiss or india
A: I've never lived in India, so I can't really judge. I could ask some of my colleagues who are from India. I mean, I could have if I hadn't quit my job the other day (in anticipation of temporarily moving back to the U.S.). Sorry!
Q: how can i know if the church is true mormon intellectual
A: Again, this one is a little tricky to parse, but I suppose the querier is looking for a proof that the LDS church is true, one that would convince a Mormon intellectual. Well, querier, you've come to the wrong place for that!
Q: why are mormons so into scrapbooking
A: Another philosophical question about Mormons! Mormons really like creative handicrafts, and scrapbooking is particularly fun for SAHMs because of the tie-in with family activities. That, and the fabulous possibilities for scrapbooking-supplies MLMs.
(Oops, I answered that last one myself. C'est la vie.)
Q: suicidal beached whales verses mass murderers
A: Sorry, what?? Are you asking which would win? Uh... both..?
Q: verb tenses had better make an effort
A: D'oh!! You found a verb construction I missed in my million English verb tenses and moods, illustrated dialog! And what the hell kind of construction is "had better" anyway?
Q: the name of an aspect of something used to refer to the whole thing, such as when alcohol is called the bottle
A: Man, I don't remember the word for that, either. I'm really on a roll here when it comes to High School English class. Now I know you guys are going to say "Wikipedia!" or "google it!" but what do I look it up under? If I type that description into google, it'll just land me back here, and you can see how much help that will be...
Q: do brilliant women have beautiful pussies and loving attitudes?
A: I dunno. Probably some do, but I haven't seen any studies on it or anything.
Q: lourdes - places to go besides church
A: lol, good luck! You can try playing the game of who can find the tackiest souvenir, but aside from that and church, there's not much else. Maybe consider a change of destination? Unless somebody here knows of something non-churchy in Lourdes...
Q: i love the fountain and i'm an atheist
A: See, this one I really don't get. What fountain? And what does it have to do with being an atheist?
Q: should a blogger post a personal picture of himself?
A: I say yes, but I know there's some disagreement on this one! :D
Q: what is better place to live in swiss or india
A: I've never lived in India, so I can't really judge. I could ask some of my colleagues who are from India. I mean, I could have if I hadn't quit my job the other day (in anticipation of temporarily moving back to the U.S.). Sorry!
Q: how can i know if the church is true mormon intellectual
A: Again, this one is a little tricky to parse, but I suppose the querier is looking for a proof that the LDS church is true, one that would convince a Mormon intellectual. Well, querier, you've come to the wrong place for that!
Q: why are mormons so into scrapbooking
A: Another philosophical question about Mormons! Mormons really like creative handicrafts, and scrapbooking is particularly fun for SAHMs because of the tie-in with family activities. That, and the fabulous possibilities for scrapbooking-supplies MLMs.
(Oops, I answered that last one myself. C'est la vie.)
Thursday, June 04, 2009
Scariest search query yet!
I often like to help people by answering the specific questions in the search queries that led them to my blog. Generally I give light-hearted, fun advice (see installments 1, 2, 2 1/2, and 3 1/2 of "Ask Chanson via Google"), but, just the other day, I got an incoming search query (landing here) from someone who could use some serious advice:
Q: if a woman accuses you of being a stalker how do you seek revenge
A: Dear querier, have you ever heard people say "living well is the best revenge"? Well, it's not just a cliché, it is absolutely true!
If you'd like to get revenge on this woman for accusing you of being a stalker, then just make her accusation look silly by proving her wrong. If you ask yourself "what would a stalker do?" you'll immediately see that you prove her wrong by not stalking her (eg. not seeking revenge). Instead, try leaving her the hell alone.
And I'm not just saying this for the sake/safety of the woman you're talking about. You personally will be happier if you drop it and move on to bigger and better things rather than obsessing over this failed relationship to the point where you do something stupid that you will regret for the rest of your life.
I know that it's hard to just forget about it and move on, but it's not impossible. I recommend starting with Finding Love 101. Good luck -- I'm sure you can do the right thing if you put your mind to it!
Q: if a woman accuses you of being a stalker how do you seek revenge
A: Dear querier, have you ever heard people say "living well is the best revenge"? Well, it's not just a cliché, it is absolutely true!
If you'd like to get revenge on this woman for accusing you of being a stalker, then just make her accusation look silly by proving her wrong. If you ask yourself "what would a stalker do?" you'll immediately see that you prove her wrong by not stalking her (eg. not seeking revenge). Instead, try leaving her the hell alone.
And I'm not just saying this for the sake/safety of the woman you're talking about. You personally will be happier if you drop it and move on to bigger and better things rather than obsessing over this failed relationship to the point where you do something stupid that you will regret for the rest of your life.
I know that it's hard to just forget about it and move on, but it's not impossible. I recommend starting with Finding Love 101. Good luck -- I'm sure you can do the right thing if you put your mind to it!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
mormon-theme family photo
That's another search query I found in my grand list (of which I presented a small sample the other day). Naturally the query brought up the family portrait from "Temple Wedding," but somehow I feel like it should have pulled up this picture instead:
What's Mormon-themed about this family photo, taken back in 1994?
Not much, except for the fact that in the back of my mind I'd always thought of posting it sometime with the credits included. See, there's my sister who writes this clever blog. There's my younger brother who, among other things, was interviewed on the news. There's my older brother, whom some of you may know from his writing on By Common Consent and other places, and my youngest sister, the glamorous Mormon diva who recently sang in General Conference. Then, on the far end, a face you may already recognize.
That's the Mormon connection: your own accomplishments are fine and dandy, but it's somehow that much more presitgious to come from a big family -- all talented -- just like the Osmonds! ;^)
What's Mormon-themed about this family photo, taken back in 1994?
Not much, except for the fact that in the back of my mind I'd always thought of posting it sometime with the credits included. See, there's my sister who writes this clever blog. There's my younger brother who, among other things, was interviewed on the news. There's my older brother, whom some of you may know from his writing on By Common Consent and other places, and my youngest sister, the glamorous Mormon diva who recently sang in General Conference. Then, on the far end, a face you may already recognize.
That's the Mormon connection: your own accomplishments are fine and dandy, but it's somehow that much more presitgious to come from a big family -- all talented -- just like the Osmonds! ;^)
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Ask chanson via google, 3 1/2!!!
Yep, I get search queries. And, though the vast majority land on posts that answer the query in an obvious way (eg. Q: napkin art, Q: youth conference lds, Q: the mouse that didn't believe in santa, Q: southern right whale penis photo, etc.), many warrant special attention.
As in installments 1, 2, and 2 1/2, all of these are real, unaltered search queries that led people to my blog!
Q: essays on my vacation in german language
A: Ever since I put up two posts called My summer vacation essay, part 1 and 2, I started getting a ton of queries looking for summer vacation essays, presumably for school (eg. Q: free on line essay on my summer vacition, or Q: essay on my summer holidays for 2nd standad child). The weird thing, though, is how many of them specified they'd like the essay to be in French, German, or some other language. Here's a clue folks: if you'd like an essay in German, try translating the desired essay topic into German before typing it into google. Of course, the people who are clever enough to figure that out are probably doing their own homework rather than search-querying for help...
Q: how do mormons determine who is worthy
A: Mostly through interviews, especially the "temple recommend interview". Officials in the lay ministry (such as the Bishop or Stake President) interview the members individually every now and then.
Q: what is the true meaning of christmas for a kid?
A: It really depends on the kid. And even if the kid is only interested in the presents now, his/her later memories of Christmas (looking back) may have added meaning.
Q: ex-mormons feel like a slut
A: Probably some do, but not all. And, to be honest, believers may feel more guilt and shame over sexuality than exmos.
Q: exmormon fly
A: This one has me stumped. Are you asking if exmos can fly? Or whether a fly could be an exmo? Or are exmos more likely to accidentally leave their fly down or something? I'd like to help you, but you have to be more specific.
Q: my parents think i'm apostate
A: Join the club.
Q: i do not belong in byui
A: Join the club.
Q: i ran naked my wife stayed clothed
A: Join the... I mean what the...?
Q: what do most people do right after sex as far as bodily fluids
A: You see, there's this miraculous invention called a towel...
Q: ok to masturbate if wife doesnt want to have sex and mormon?
A: I think so, but you may want a second opinion. (see also: fidelity, autonomy)
Q: why do women feel threatened by their spouse masturbating
A: I think it's mostly because they worry their spouse would rather be having sex with someone else, feel they can't compete with the sexy women in photos, etc. If you'd like your wife to cut you some slack on this, I'd recommend making it clear to your wife that you love her, that you're attracted to her, that you're not wishing you could trade her in for someone else, etc., and that the masturbation is just about variety or frequency or something like that.
Q: marriage or finding girl solves the masterbation?
A: I wouldn't bank on it.
Q: mormom return missionary sisters make good wives
A: That may be true, but it depends on the individual woman and on what you're looking for in a wife.
Q: can you go to jail if you read sex stories even if they don't show no nudity
A: Why would you think you could be put in jail for reading sex stories, whether they contain nudity or not? Has someone been filling your head with such nonsense? Note: this query came in from an I.P. address in Alabama, and I assume that possession of erotica is not illegal there. It's comforting to know that the Internet is counteracting misinformation all over the world.
Some readers may notice that I kind of focus on the sex-related queries in this feature -- even though they're not the majority of the queries I get. They're some of the most interesting ones, though. It seems like people will ask google stuff that they won't ask their friends and family. In particular, people type in queries that I assume are fetishes they'd like to read titillating stories about. I hope readers won't be offended if I list some of these off as a curiosity.
Remember: I had no choice but to read these weird, perverted queries myself when they showed up in my logs, and I was shocked! Thus, I have to post them so you can see what I'm talking about. Additionally, this list may help budding erotica-writers out there by giving them some market-tested ideas to use to help people like our friend from Alabama.
Q: perverted part in the grinch
Q: white christmas gay porn
Q: mom & son nude beach photos
Q: attracted to physically strong
Q: women's topless breasts spokane
Q: sexy sister missionaries
Q: unexpected sex in public local bus
Q: moms getting wedgies
Q: look male but he female
Q: erotic stories about mormon missionaries
Q: short erotic stories, santa clause
Q: breastfeeding orgasm stories
Anyone interested in writing any of those?
As in installments 1, 2, and 2 1/2, all of these are real, unaltered search queries that led people to my blog!
Q: essays on my vacation in german language
A: Ever since I put up two posts called My summer vacation essay, part 1 and 2, I started getting a ton of queries looking for summer vacation essays, presumably for school (eg. Q: free on line essay on my summer vacition, or Q: essay on my summer holidays for 2nd standad child). The weird thing, though, is how many of them specified they'd like the essay to be in French, German, or some other language. Here's a clue folks: if you'd like an essay in German, try translating the desired essay topic into German before typing it into google. Of course, the people who are clever enough to figure that out are probably doing their own homework rather than search-querying for help...
Q: how do mormons determine who is worthy
A: Mostly through interviews, especially the "temple recommend interview". Officials in the lay ministry (such as the Bishop or Stake President) interview the members individually every now and then.
Q: what is the true meaning of christmas for a kid?
A: It really depends on the kid. And even if the kid is only interested in the presents now, his/her later memories of Christmas (looking back) may have added meaning.
Q: ex-mormons feel like a slut
A: Probably some do, but not all. And, to be honest, believers may feel more guilt and shame over sexuality than exmos.
Q: exmormon fly
A: This one has me stumped. Are you asking if exmos can fly? Or whether a fly could be an exmo? Or are exmos more likely to accidentally leave their fly down or something? I'd like to help you, but you have to be more specific.
Q: my parents think i'm apostate
A: Join the club.
Q: i do not belong in byui
A: Join the club.
Q: i ran naked my wife stayed clothed
A: Join the... I mean what the...?
Q: what do most people do right after sex as far as bodily fluids
A: You see, there's this miraculous invention called a towel...
Q: ok to masturbate if wife doesnt want to have sex and mormon?
A: I think so, but you may want a second opinion. (see also: fidelity, autonomy)
Q: why do women feel threatened by their spouse masturbating
A: I think it's mostly because they worry their spouse would rather be having sex with someone else, feel they can't compete with the sexy women in photos, etc. If you'd like your wife to cut you some slack on this, I'd recommend making it clear to your wife that you love her, that you're attracted to her, that you're not wishing you could trade her in for someone else, etc., and that the masturbation is just about variety or frequency or something like that.
Q: marriage or finding girl solves the masterbation?
A: I wouldn't bank on it.
Q: mormom return missionary sisters make good wives
A: That may be true, but it depends on the individual woman and on what you're looking for in a wife.
Q: can you go to jail if you read sex stories even if they don't show no nudity
A: Why would you think you could be put in jail for reading sex stories, whether they contain nudity or not? Has someone been filling your head with such nonsense? Note: this query came in from an I.P. address in Alabama, and I assume that possession of erotica is not illegal there. It's comforting to know that the Internet is counteracting misinformation all over the world.
Some readers may notice that I kind of focus on the sex-related queries in this feature -- even though they're not the majority of the queries I get. They're some of the most interesting ones, though. It seems like people will ask google stuff that they won't ask their friends and family. In particular, people type in queries that I assume are fetishes they'd like to read titillating stories about. I hope readers won't be offended if I list some of these off as a curiosity.
Remember: I had no choice but to read these weird, perverted queries myself when they showed up in my logs, and I was shocked! Thus, I have to post them so you can see what I'm talking about. Additionally, this list may help budding erotica-writers out there by giving them some market-tested ideas to use to help people like our friend from Alabama.
Q: perverted part in the grinch
Q: white christmas gay porn
Q: mom & son nude beach photos
Q: attracted to physically strong
Q: women's topless breasts spokane
Q: sexy sister missionaries
Q: unexpected sex in public local bus
Q: moms getting wedgies
Q: look male but he female
Q: erotic stories about mormon missionaries
Q: short erotic stories, santa clause
Q: breastfeeding orgasm stories
Anyone interested in writing any of those?
Monday, October 13, 2008
Carnival Mania II!!!
Interestingly, my earlier installment of Carnival Mania has recently gotten a huge spike in search query hits. It's almost as though there's something else out there called "Carnival Mania" and Google is foolishly redirecting people to me! Oh, well. If you're looking for some sort of Carnival Mania other than my personal list of cool carnivals, then you've come to the wrong place...
First up The Humanist Symposium!!! This is a fun one, and I particularly liked John Remy's contribution A Personal History of Profanity. He talks about the typical Mormon belief that "A speaker who mouths profanity or vulgarity to punctuate or emphasize speech confesses inadequacy in his or her own language skills." I was taught that one, too, and refuted it way back here:
In other carnivals, there have bee two fab installments of the Carnival of the Godless since I last linked those guys here and here, and don't forget the not-at-all-concisely-named Feminist Carnival of Sexual Freedom and Autonomy #10!!!
Then there's a cool new carnival coming up for skeptical parents: Skeptical Parent Crossing!!! This one hasn't even had its first installment yet, but if you want to be in on it, submit your articles here.
First up The Humanist Symposium!!! This is a fun one, and I particularly liked John Remy's contribution A Personal History of Profanity. He talks about the typical Mormon belief that "A speaker who mouths profanity or vulgarity to punctuate or emphasize speech confesses inadequacy in his or her own language skills." I was taught that one, too, and refuted it way back here:
I live by all sorts of controversial theories of language. For one thing, I disagree with the theory that the use of profanity indicates that the speaker necessarily has a small vocabulary. The latent mathematician in me can't keep from pointing out that actively avoiding profanity technically makes your vocabulary smaller, not bigger. Sure it's easy to over-use naughty words, but if you know how to use them well, you can achieve certain effects that you can't create without them.
In other carnivals, there have bee two fab installments of the Carnival of the Godless since I last linked those guys here and here, and don't forget the not-at-all-concisely-named Feminist Carnival of Sexual Freedom and Autonomy #10!!!
Then there's a cool new carnival coming up for skeptical parents: Skeptical Parent Crossing!!! This one hasn't even had its first installment yet, but if you want to be in on it, submit your articles here.
Saturday, September 06, 2008
Ask Chanson, via Google II
Those search queries just keep pouring in!!! Scrolling through my logs, I can see that the magic of the Internet has sent tons of people with questions (and in need of advice) to my blog, and -- never fear -- I am here to help!
As in the first installment of Ask Chanson, via Google, all of the following are actual unaltered search queries that led people to my blog:
Q: boys and girls and use the same bathroom?
A: In my apartment they do.
Q: what to say if you are an atheist and a good friend tries to convert you
A: Give him/her a copy of The God Delusion. J/K, if you value the friendship, that's probably not the best solution. Try having that "Let's agree to disagree and respect each other's values" talk. If that doesn't work, and the person insists on believing "everyone's a seeker until they've reached the point of agreeing with me," then I would start to question the value of the friendship.
Q: how to handle religious inlaws who don't approve of my atheism
A: Boundaries. I would highly recommend having a serious talk with your partner to make sure you're on the same page. Even if your partner isn't an atheist, you should be sure your partner understands the importance of treating one another with respect for the sake of family unity. If your partner blows off your concerns and thinks it's fine for his/her parents to be giving you subtle (or unsubtle) jabs, then try to avoid visiting your in-laws (encourage your partner to go without you).
Q: dad gave me the birds and bees talk
A: Good! If you have any further questions, I'm sure the Internet + Google can help! :D
Q: some people have nightmares about going to class naked
A: So true!
Q: three reasons why barack obama is the best candidate for president
A: (1) Energy independence and the environment are critical issues that need to be taken seriously now.
(2) He's very intelligent in an open-to-learning sort of way. I've read both his books, and his analysis transcends the standard left vs. right, and not in the sense of "let's find the most strategic way to compromise with our enemies" but rather in the sense of "let's analyze our problems and their causes without being limited to the traditional answers."
(3) Now that the other team has added a die-hard theocrat to the ticket (a sick old guy's heartbeat away from the captain's chair), they've completed the job of demonstrating they intend to stay the course 100% full steam ahead on GWB's failed policies. Frankly, with the addition of the abstinence-creationism-godly-war gov behind Mr. one-foot-in-the-grave, this is the most terrifying ticket I've ever seen, and I hope every citizen out there will be taking their job very seriously come November. I know I will. This is a critical election for the entire world...
Q: solution to discrimination against gays
A: I'd love to help you, if only I had a solution...
Q: worried about girls sunbathing topless
A: Sorry, with America's deadly dependence on foreign oil, the economy mortgaged to China, and the civil liberties of our Constitution hanging by a thread, you're worried about girls sunbathing topless? Sheesh, I wish that were my top concern...
Q: ex at family functions ignores me
A: That's too bad. But if it's annoying to run into your ex at family functions, next time don't marry your cousin.
Q: a man's visual arousal is part of his sin nature a man is not supposed to be aroused sexually by a womans physi
A: Hmmm. Well, if you feel that way, you can always go with a guy who's not aroused by women's bodies. One place to start is the various ex-gay groups. But I really, really, really don't recommend that option for straight women...
Q: did mary really appear at lourdes
A: What do you think?
Q: where to buy souvenirs in lourdes
A: Everywhere!!!
Q: masturbation versus spirituality
A: You can take my opinion with a grain of salt, but I think masturbation is better.
Q: what is the typical latin woman's behaviour
A: If you're imagining you'll get a concise and accurate answer to this on a blog, then that's a bad sign...
Q: signs that you're a stalker
A: If you have to ask, then you should probably cut it out, whatever it is you're doing.
Q: i feel awful for stalking a girl
A: Well, then, stop it and don't do it again.
Q: stephenie meyer perverted
A: That is so true! Have you read Twilight? **shudder**
Q: does masturbation harm your body for women
A: Normally it doesn't, as long as you avoid using ridiculously oversized sex toys covered with sharp spikes.
Q: is it true after been broken there is second virginity
A: It depends on your definition of "virginity," but, if possible, I'd avoid dating guys who would be influenced by such a thing.
Q: i'm the sexiest women in colombo sri lanka and i want to have sex with a guy in colombo
A: Well, your problem doesn't sound terribly difficult to solve. Why are you wasting your time on the Internet? Go outside and look around!
Q: get sexy woman who wants sex only in gujarat,india
A: Well, I can't help you on that, but you might consider a trip to Colombo, Sri Lanka.
Q: is thomas the tank gay
A: No, it's James. How many times do I have to explain this?
Q: atheist kilt
A: What, you're looking for a tartan with the red "A" woven into it? That would be cool, but I don't know of one. But one or more of these kilt-wearing guys are atheists.
Q: pictures of naked scotsman in kilts
Q: naked men in kilts
A: I hate to be a stickler, but if they're wearing kilts, then they're not naked...
Q: men look better kilt
Q: photos of men with kilts and no underwear
Q: photo under men in kilts
Q: men in kilts with no underwear on
Q: do men wear underware under kilts
A: Yeah, I've heard there's some sort of custom about kilts and no undies. I'm not an expert, but this guy seems to have the scoop.
Q: why don't men wear underwear with a kilt
A: Are you kidding? And give up that mystique? ;^)
Well, that's all for now. But remember, if you have a question of any kind, just type it into a search engine and an answer will appear!!! (Your mileage may vary...)
As in the first installment of Ask Chanson, via Google, all of the following are actual unaltered search queries that led people to my blog:
Q: boys and girls and use the same bathroom?
A: In my apartment they do.
Q: what to say if you are an atheist and a good friend tries to convert you
A: Give him/her a copy of The God Delusion. J/K, if you value the friendship, that's probably not the best solution. Try having that "Let's agree to disagree and respect each other's values" talk. If that doesn't work, and the person insists on believing "everyone's a seeker until they've reached the point of agreeing with me," then I would start to question the value of the friendship.
Q: how to handle religious inlaws who don't approve of my atheism
A: Boundaries. I would highly recommend having a serious talk with your partner to make sure you're on the same page. Even if your partner isn't an atheist, you should be sure your partner understands the importance of treating one another with respect for the sake of family unity. If your partner blows off your concerns and thinks it's fine for his/her parents to be giving you subtle (or unsubtle) jabs, then try to avoid visiting your in-laws (encourage your partner to go without you).
Q: dad gave me the birds and bees talk
A: Good! If you have any further questions, I'm sure the Internet + Google can help! :D
Q: some people have nightmares about going to class naked
A: So true!
Q: three reasons why barack obama is the best candidate for president
A: (1) Energy independence and the environment are critical issues that need to be taken seriously now.
(2) He's very intelligent in an open-to-learning sort of way. I've read both his books, and his analysis transcends the standard left vs. right, and not in the sense of "let's find the most strategic way to compromise with our enemies" but rather in the sense of "let's analyze our problems and their causes without being limited to the traditional answers."
(3) Now that the other team has added a die-hard theocrat to the ticket (a sick old guy's heartbeat away from the captain's chair), they've completed the job of demonstrating they intend to stay the course 100% full steam ahead on GWB's failed policies. Frankly, with the addition of the abstinence-creationism-godly-war gov behind Mr. one-foot-in-the-grave, this is the most terrifying ticket I've ever seen, and I hope every citizen out there will be taking their job very seriously come November. I know I will. This is a critical election for the entire world...
Q: solution to discrimination against gays
A: I'd love to help you, if only I had a solution...
Q: worried about girls sunbathing topless
A: Sorry, with America's deadly dependence on foreign oil, the economy mortgaged to China, and the civil liberties of our Constitution hanging by a thread, you're worried about girls sunbathing topless? Sheesh, I wish that were my top concern...
Q: ex at family functions ignores me
A: That's too bad. But if it's annoying to run into your ex at family functions, next time don't marry your cousin.
Q: a man's visual arousal is part of his sin nature a man is not supposed to be aroused sexually by a womans physi
A: Hmmm. Well, if you feel that way, you can always go with a guy who's not aroused by women's bodies. One place to start is the various ex-gay groups. But I really, really, really don't recommend that option for straight women...
Q: did mary really appear at lourdes
A: What do you think?
Q: where to buy souvenirs in lourdes
A: Everywhere!!!
Q: masturbation versus spirituality
A: You can take my opinion with a grain of salt, but I think masturbation is better.
Q: what is the typical latin woman's behaviour
A: If you're imagining you'll get a concise and accurate answer to this on a blog, then that's a bad sign...
Q: signs that you're a stalker
A: If you have to ask, then you should probably cut it out, whatever it is you're doing.
Q: i feel awful for stalking a girl
A: Well, then, stop it and don't do it again.
Q: stephenie meyer perverted
A: That is so true! Have you read Twilight? **shudder**
Q: does masturbation harm your body for women
A: Normally it doesn't, as long as you avoid using ridiculously oversized sex toys covered with sharp spikes.
Q: is it true after been broken there is second virginity
A: It depends on your definition of "virginity," but, if possible, I'd avoid dating guys who would be influenced by such a thing.
Q: i'm the sexiest women in colombo sri lanka and i want to have sex with a guy in colombo
A: Well, your problem doesn't sound terribly difficult to solve. Why are you wasting your time on the Internet? Go outside and look around!
Q: get sexy woman who wants sex only in gujarat,india
A: Well, I can't help you on that, but you might consider a trip to Colombo, Sri Lanka.
Q: is thomas the tank gay
A: No, it's James. How many times do I have to explain this?
Q: atheist kilt
A: What, you're looking for a tartan with the red "A" woven into it? That would be cool, but I don't know of one. But one or more of these kilt-wearing guys are atheists.
Q: pictures of naked scotsman in kilts
Q: naked men in kilts
A: I hate to be a stickler, but if they're wearing kilts, then they're not naked...
Q: men look better kilt
Q: photos of men with kilts and no underwear
Q: photo under men in kilts
Q: men in kilts with no underwear on
Q: do men wear underware under kilts
A: Yeah, I've heard there's some sort of custom about kilts and no undies. I'm not an expert, but this guy seems to have the scoop.
Q: why don't men wear underwear with a kilt
A: Are you kidding? And give up that mystique? ;^)
Well, that's all for now. But remember, if you have a question of any kind, just type it into a search engine and an answer will appear!!! (Your mileage may vary...)
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Everybody loves to talk about Mormon sexuality!!!
Or maybe it's just me... ;^)
As I showed in my earlier search query advice post, a lot of people come to this blog for discussion of Mormonism and sex. While I'm at it, here are some more I've gotten recently:
Q: lds blog male sexuality :Q: coming of age in mormonism :Q: mormon nudist beach :Q: sex at byu :Q: lds lust :Q: naked mormon girls :Q: mormon girls are easy :Q: amish or mormon naked girls :Q: naughty mormon stories :Q: exmormon sex :Q: ex lds porn :Q: mormon religion and virginity :Q: can lds sunbathe topless? :Q: mormon erotica :Q: the church of jesus christ bickertonite homosexuality :Q: bad mormon girls :Q: naughty mormon women free nude pics :Q: sexy atheist :Q: atheism vs. spiritual marriages :Q: how a girl should arouse a mans sexual desire :Q: feeling aroused when presented with certain sexual cues is an involuntary biological response [someone was apparently looking for this post] :Q: horny mormon girl :Q: getting excited at thought of sex :Q: lds horny sex mormon :Q: naughty byu girls :Q: byu sex stories :Q: confessions of a byu student :Q: sex at byu library :Q: 'handicap bathroom' - college student sex story :Q: byu library sex exmo [These last few are referring to this story] :Q: enjoying polygamy erotic story [I think the book you're looking for is Brother Brigham] :Q: book sex scenes to read online [here] :Q: object lessons on sexual purity [here] :Q: mormon fundamentalist wife sex :Q: naughty mormon girls :Q
So let's just say it looks like there's some interest in the topic. Naturally I was thrilled when some Mormons started up a new blog about Mormon Sexuality (The Visitors' Center) and asked me to contribute to it!!!
For my first post there, I've written about Mormons' favorite erotic guilty pleasures: porn and Stephenie Meyer's Twilight. Here's the post: Unrealistic Expectations?
Enjoy!!! :D
As I showed in my earlier search query advice post, a lot of people come to this blog for discussion of Mormonism and sex. While I'm at it, here are some more I've gotten recently:
Q: lds blog male sexuality :Q: coming of age in mormonism :Q: mormon nudist beach :Q: sex at byu :Q: lds lust :Q: naked mormon girls :Q: mormon girls are easy :Q: amish or mormon naked girls :Q: naughty mormon stories :Q: exmormon sex :Q: ex lds porn :Q: mormon religion and virginity :Q: can lds sunbathe topless? :Q: mormon erotica :Q: the church of jesus christ bickertonite homosexuality :Q: bad mormon girls :Q: naughty mormon women free nude pics :Q: sexy atheist :Q: atheism vs. spiritual marriages :Q: how a girl should arouse a mans sexual desire :Q: feeling aroused when presented with certain sexual cues is an involuntary biological response [someone was apparently looking for this post] :Q: horny mormon girl :Q: getting excited at thought of sex :Q: lds horny sex mormon :Q: naughty byu girls :Q: byu sex stories :Q: confessions of a byu student :Q: sex at byu library :Q: 'handicap bathroom' - college student sex story :Q: byu library sex exmo [These last few are referring to this story] :Q: enjoying polygamy erotic story [I think the book you're looking for is Brother Brigham] :Q: book sex scenes to read online [here] :Q: object lessons on sexual purity [here] :Q: mormon fundamentalist wife sex :Q: naughty mormon girls :Q
So let's just say it looks like there's some interest in the topic. Naturally I was thrilled when some Mormons started up a new blog about Mormon Sexuality (The Visitors' Center) and asked me to contribute to it!!!
For my first post there, I've written about Mormons' favorite erotic guilty pleasures: porn and Stephenie Meyer's Twilight. Here's the post: Unrealistic Expectations?
Enjoy!!! :D
Friday, April 25, 2008
Ask Chanson (via Google)!
Ever since the Exterminator invented googl-oetry, I've taken to saving all my incoming search queries -- in hopes of regaling you all with another hilarious googl-oem like the one I composed here. The trouble is, though, that the funniest ones aren't that poetic. Or maybe it's just that they're such gems that I don't feel like I'm adding anything to them by juxtaposing them with one another.
Another thing I've noticed, though, is that a lot of them seem to be looking for information and or advice that I might be able to help on, but which may or not be answered on the page their query pulled up. So today I'll be playing advice columnist, treating my incoming search queries as (very, very short, cryptic) letters to me. :D
The first batch is the people asking about having sex on the first date. I get so many queries about this that I'm starting to feel like one of the world's leading experts on the subject. (Yes, these are all real queries typed int a search engine by readers -- and it isn't nearly all of them...)
Q: do most women prefer sex on the first date
Q: should i have sex on first date?
Q: having sex on first date what to say
Q: sex on first date always bad
Q: can sex on a first date turn into a relationship
Q: how many people have sex on the first date
Q: is it ok to have sex on the first date
Q: talking about sex on the 1st date
Q: how to not have sex on the first date
Q: should women 50 have sex on the first date
Q: sex in the car on the first date
Q: why people have sex at first date
Q: how to get sex on a first date
Q: men who get angry if you dont sleep with them on first date
Q: how to act after sex on the first date
Q: no sex on first date
Q: why people have sex on the first date?
Q: should a gay guy have sex the first meeting
Q: do real men call after having sex on the first date
Q: why doesnt guy call after sex on first date?
Q: how to get sex on the first date
Q: what they think about sex in a first date
Q: is sex on a first date ok
A: I can't promise I have useful advice for all of these people, but you can have a look at my thoughts on the subject here (and to a lesser degree here).
The next batch is the set of queries that I like to call the "I'm writing a book report" queries. Kids, if my ideas on these books are helpful, feel free to use them (though a citation is always appreciated...). Just remember not to copy/paste whole paragraphs since your teacher knows how to use Google too! :D
Q: ready explanation for class distinction in pride and prejudice
Q: innocence in pride and prejudice
A: see this post
Q: marquise de merteuil's servant girl
Q: dinner scenes in dangereuses liaisons and valmount
A: see this post
Q: role of rieux la peste
A: see this post
Q: political culture and persepolis
A: see this post
Q: walter kirn mormon story new yorker
A: see this post
An important sub-genre of this set is the questions about Philip Pullman's "His Dark Materials" trilogy. Some examples:
Q: pullman his dark materials part 1 review
Q: how is lyra like eve philip pullman his dark materials
Q: atheist fantasy book
Q: his dark materials themes
Q: atheism dark matter
Q: interpretation of his dark materials trilogy
Q: is philip pullman an atheist
Q: his dark materials, philip pullman, premise of books
A: These questions and many others are answered here.
However, more than half of my Pullman-related queries are asking one big question:
Q: do lyra and will have sex?
Q: philip pullman sex lyra
Q: lyra and will sex
Q: dark materials lyra will sex
Q: his dark materials sex
Q: his dark material, do will and lyra have sexual relations
Q: lyra and will are way too young to be makin out
I'm glad I've taken the time to discuss this (here). It makes me feel like I'm providing a valuable public service with my blog because clearly many, many people are confused on this point.
Pullman himself won't answer. I don't have the exact quote, but I read an interview where he said he wanted to leave the question open. Well, no duh, I would guess that when a grown-up writes a romantic love scene where a fifteen-year-old boy has unprotected sex with a twelve or thirteen-year-old girl, there's a certain amount of social pressure to pretend like maybe you didn't really write that.
It's unfortunate, too, because teens these days are having romantic/sexual relationships, and since they're still in the "learning about relationships" phase, they might really benefit from stories about other young people -- and particularly stories that take their relationships seriously. I have this exact problem with Exmormon: I wrote it largely for young people (hoping to be the Mormon Judy Blume), but since I don't want to get in trouble for corrupting the youth and being an inappropriate influence on other peoples' kids, I add the caveat that it's for people over 18 and/or teens whose parents have read it and have decided their kids are mature enough to handle it...
Anyway, off that soapbox and on to some real-life advice queries that led people to me!!!
Q: im worried about my non believing aunt going to hell
A: Well, worry no more!!! Hell doesn't exist.
Q: how to tell parents i'm atheist
A: This is a tricky one since there's no one right answer. It depends on your situation and your parents. You're on the right track to be searching the Internet, though!!! Read some atheist blogs, look for "coming out as atheist" stories, and from there you can plan the approach that's right for you and your family!
Q: my husband thinks its his fault our son is gay
A: Contact PFLAG -- they can help you out on this.
Q: i agreed to have sex with a guy i just met but now i wish i didn't
A: Well, if you haven't gone through with it yet, you're allowed to change your mind. Saying "sure, I'll have sex with you sometime" isn't a legally binding contract. If you've already done it, however, I hope you've learned a lesson about planning and thinking things through. Also, beware of alcohol if you're in a social situation with a guy you're not sure whether you want to have sex with or not.
Q: she is way hotter than i am is it even possible
A: Probably not, but you never know...
Q: i hate america switzerland and mormons
A: Then you've totally come to the wrong blog.
Q: child friendly story of christian pilgrimage to lourdes
A: Well, you're in luck -- I've written a whole series on taking kids to Lourdes!!!
Q: is pornography tied in with polygamy
A: Not really, but I have heard that early Mormons argued that polygamy is a good way to combat the horrible evil of male masturbation. I hope I don't have to explain how messed-up that is. (Also, it probably doesn't help much to stop female masturbation...)
Q: how did homesexuals affect the civil war
A: Good question!!! I have no idea, but if you figure it out, please tell me.
Q: arranged marriage should i tell her i masterbate
A: Probably, but not right off the bat. One of the problems with an arranged marriage is that you don't necessarily have a feel for your partner's attitudes. Also, if she's recently arrived from India, you never know if she might find western attitudes towards sex shocking, and this could start your relationship off on a bad note. I'd say wait until you have your intimate relationship established and you have a feel for your partner's attitudes. Introduce new ideas in a manner that is considerate of your partner's feelings. Once you get the impression she's willing and ready to have such a discussion, go ahead.
Q: am i bad at sex
A: How the hell should I know? Talk to your partner about it. If you are, good communication -- listening to what your partner likes and doesn't like -- can help you improve.
Q: real logical proof evolution is wrong
A: Mwahahahahahahahaha!!! Good luck, buddy!!! ;^)
Q: it takes faith to be an atheist argument
A: I've covered that one thoroghly here.
Q: biggest biblical massacre
A: That's a tricky one since there are a lot of contenders, but I talked about one of them here.
Q: ice cream and rape correlation
A: I'm glad Rebecca brought this up in the comments of this post because her comment regularly brings in search queries which I assume are from people who are interested in discussing how we should interpret statistical correlations with complicated things like rape. There's also the follow-up post talking about the correlation between porn and rape (the fact that rape decreases as porn access increases), and a discussion of how we might interpret that.
Q: what happens if i get a hard on at nude beach
A: They arrest you immediately. Haha, just kidding!!! The correct answer is "you will be very, very, very embarrassed."
Actually, I've gotten a whole series of questions about the nude beach, including topics I've covered (Q: topless seine A: see topless on the beach; Q: nude beaches urinating A: see More tales from the nude beach...), as well as a bunch of stuff I didn't cover:
Q: women have you ever done to the nudists beach to see naked guys
A: You mean gone? Probably some have, but not nearly so many as guys who go there to see the naked women.
Q: are nude beaches fun?
A: Yes.
Q: why aren't more beaches topless
A: Some people like to go swimming and not see naked people. Hard to believe, but true.
Q: why do women go topless on beaches ?
A: Does there have to be a reason?
Q: nude sunbathing benefits of
A: Uniformizes your skin cancer risk.
Q: extreme nude beaches
A: lol, regular nude beaches aren't exciting enough?
Q: why do the french have topless beaches in france
A: Where the hell else are they going to have them???
Q: nude sunbathing is ok with mom
A: That's good. You should really always get your mom's approval on this...
And the list goes on and on. I can't begin to tell you how many queries I get for sexy pics of people in particular places ever since I joked about that here. (Of course I have not posted any nude pics at all of anyone on my blog unless you count those silly little naked comics.) Actually those queries are some of the most entertaining (for my inner anthropologist) since I get a uniform distribution of people with local tastes (eg. the query "sexy ladies of boise idaho" coming in on an I.P. address in Boise, Idaho, or the query "sexy arab ladies" coming in from an I.P. address in the United Arab Emirates) and then people with really, really random exotic tastes (eg. the query "sexy naked ladies of Belgium" coming in from Cleveland, Ohio). I'll just say that -- if my stats are any indication -- no matter where you're from on the whole planet, somebody, somewhere wants to see you naked. ;^)
Then, of course, we have the whole range of Mormon-related questions:
Q: i found out my mormon boyfriend told another girl to wait for him
A: That sucks. On the other hand, if he's two-timing you while on his mission and you're at home, you could always try dating somebody else...
Q: you're an apostate
A: Why, thank you!
Q: lds teenage masturbation solutions
A: Believers probably won't like my solution, but I'll post it since you asked: Tell him/her it's normal (and private), and don't bug them about it.
Q: mormon girl can't date me sex
A: Well, those are the breaks. But (to give you another helpful cliché) there are other fish in the sea! :D
Q: i had sex with a mormon missionary
A: Well, that was very, very naughty of you!!! That's totally against their rules. Sheesh, I couldn't even get them to come to my house unchaperoned, see my series of mishie stories.
Q: are there girls at byu who have had sex
A: Yes. But that's against the rules too.
Q: sister missionaries sexy pics
A: I'm beginning to think some of you people don't really understand how this whole mission thing works...
Q: are there different types of mormons
A: Yes. In fact, I've made a whole handy guide to different types of Mormons.
Q: download exmormon c.l. hanson
A: I have chosen not to make this book avaliable for anonymous download. If you want an e-copy, you have to email me: chanson dot exmormon at gmail dot com
Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to wrap this up since it's getting so long that blogger is choking on the autosave. It's too bad, too, because I've barely scratched the surface of the whole families of fabulous search queries I've gotten lately!!!
Oh well, I'll end with a really nice one I got the other day:
Q: most popular blog ex mormon mom
A: Aww, if only it were true!!! :D I'm flattered that this led you to my blog anyway, and I plan to keep on providing you with useful and/or entertaining stories right here at "Letters from a Broad"! :D
Another thing I've noticed, though, is that a lot of them seem to be looking for information and or advice that I might be able to help on, but which may or not be answered on the page their query pulled up. So today I'll be playing advice columnist, treating my incoming search queries as (very, very short, cryptic) letters to me. :D
The first batch is the people asking about having sex on the first date. I get so many queries about this that I'm starting to feel like one of the world's leading experts on the subject. (Yes, these are all real queries typed int a search engine by readers -- and it isn't nearly all of them...)
Q: do most women prefer sex on the first date
Q: should i have sex on first date?
Q: having sex on first date what to say
Q: sex on first date always bad
Q: can sex on a first date turn into a relationship
Q: how many people have sex on the first date
Q: is it ok to have sex on the first date
Q: talking about sex on the 1st date
Q: how to not have sex on the first date
Q: should women 50 have sex on the first date
Q: sex in the car on the first date
Q: why people have sex at first date
Q: how to get sex on a first date
Q: men who get angry if you dont sleep with them on first date
Q: how to act after sex on the first date
Q: no sex on first date
Q: why people have sex on the first date?
Q: should a gay guy have sex the first meeting
Q: do real men call after having sex on the first date
Q: why doesnt guy call after sex on first date?
Q: how to get sex on the first date
Q: what they think about sex in a first date
Q: is sex on a first date ok
A: I can't promise I have useful advice for all of these people, but you can have a look at my thoughts on the subject here (and to a lesser degree here).
The next batch is the set of queries that I like to call the "I'm writing a book report" queries. Kids, if my ideas on these books are helpful, feel free to use them (though a citation is always appreciated...). Just remember not to copy/paste whole paragraphs since your teacher knows how to use Google too! :D
Q: ready explanation for class distinction in pride and prejudice
Q: innocence in pride and prejudice
A: see this post
Q: marquise de merteuil's servant girl
Q: dinner scenes in dangereuses liaisons and valmount
A: see this post
Q: role of rieux la peste
A: see this post
Q: political culture and persepolis
A: see this post
Q: walter kirn mormon story new yorker
A: see this post
An important sub-genre of this set is the questions about Philip Pullman's "His Dark Materials" trilogy. Some examples:
Q: pullman his dark materials part 1 review
Q: how is lyra like eve philip pullman his dark materials
Q: atheist fantasy book
Q: his dark materials themes
Q: atheism dark matter
Q: interpretation of his dark materials trilogy
Q: is philip pullman an atheist
Q: his dark materials, philip pullman, premise of books
A: These questions and many others are answered here.
However, more than half of my Pullman-related queries are asking one big question:
Q: do lyra and will have sex?
Q: philip pullman sex lyra
Q: lyra and will sex
Q: dark materials lyra will sex
Q: his dark materials sex
Q: his dark material, do will and lyra have sexual relations
Q: lyra and will are way too young to be makin out
I'm glad I've taken the time to discuss this (here). It makes me feel like I'm providing a valuable public service with my blog because clearly many, many people are confused on this point.
Pullman himself won't answer. I don't have the exact quote, but I read an interview where he said he wanted to leave the question open. Well, no duh, I would guess that when a grown-up writes a romantic love scene where a fifteen-year-old boy has unprotected sex with a twelve or thirteen-year-old girl, there's a certain amount of social pressure to pretend like maybe you didn't really write that.
It's unfortunate, too, because teens these days are having romantic/sexual relationships, and since they're still in the "learning about relationships" phase, they might really benefit from stories about other young people -- and particularly stories that take their relationships seriously. I have this exact problem with Exmormon: I wrote it largely for young people (hoping to be the Mormon Judy Blume), but since I don't want to get in trouble for corrupting the youth and being an inappropriate influence on other peoples' kids, I add the caveat that it's for people over 18 and/or teens whose parents have read it and have decided their kids are mature enough to handle it...
Anyway, off that soapbox and on to some real-life advice queries that led people to me!!!
Q: im worried about my non believing aunt going to hell
A: Well, worry no more!!! Hell doesn't exist.
Q: how to tell parents i'm atheist
A: This is a tricky one since there's no one right answer. It depends on your situation and your parents. You're on the right track to be searching the Internet, though!!! Read some atheist blogs, look for "coming out as atheist" stories, and from there you can plan the approach that's right for you and your family!
Q: my husband thinks its his fault our son is gay
A: Contact PFLAG -- they can help you out on this.
Q: i agreed to have sex with a guy i just met but now i wish i didn't
A: Well, if you haven't gone through with it yet, you're allowed to change your mind. Saying "sure, I'll have sex with you sometime" isn't a legally binding contract. If you've already done it, however, I hope you've learned a lesson about planning and thinking things through. Also, beware of alcohol if you're in a social situation with a guy you're not sure whether you want to have sex with or not.
Q: she is way hotter than i am is it even possible
A: Probably not, but you never know...
Q: i hate america switzerland and mormons
A: Then you've totally come to the wrong blog.
Q: child friendly story of christian pilgrimage to lourdes
A: Well, you're in luck -- I've written a whole series on taking kids to Lourdes!!!
Q: is pornography tied in with polygamy
A: Not really, but I have heard that early Mormons argued that polygamy is a good way to combat the horrible evil of male masturbation. I hope I don't have to explain how messed-up that is. (Also, it probably doesn't help much to stop female masturbation...)
Q: how did homesexuals affect the civil war
A: Good question!!! I have no idea, but if you figure it out, please tell me.
Q: arranged marriage should i tell her i masterbate
A: Probably, but not right off the bat. One of the problems with an arranged marriage is that you don't necessarily have a feel for your partner's attitudes. Also, if she's recently arrived from India, you never know if she might find western attitudes towards sex shocking, and this could start your relationship off on a bad note. I'd say wait until you have your intimate relationship established and you have a feel for your partner's attitudes. Introduce new ideas in a manner that is considerate of your partner's feelings. Once you get the impression she's willing and ready to have such a discussion, go ahead.
Q: am i bad at sex
A: How the hell should I know? Talk to your partner about it. If you are, good communication -- listening to what your partner likes and doesn't like -- can help you improve.
Q: real logical proof evolution is wrong
A: Mwahahahahahahahaha!!! Good luck, buddy!!! ;^)
Q: it takes faith to be an atheist argument
A: I've covered that one thoroghly here.
Q: biggest biblical massacre
A: That's a tricky one since there are a lot of contenders, but I talked about one of them here.
Q: ice cream and rape correlation
A: I'm glad Rebecca brought this up in the comments of this post because her comment regularly brings in search queries which I assume are from people who are interested in discussing how we should interpret statistical correlations with complicated things like rape. There's also the follow-up post talking about the correlation between porn and rape (the fact that rape decreases as porn access increases), and a discussion of how we might interpret that.
Q: what happens if i get a hard on at nude beach
A: They arrest you immediately. Haha, just kidding!!! The correct answer is "you will be very, very, very embarrassed."
Actually, I've gotten a whole series of questions about the nude beach, including topics I've covered (Q: topless seine A: see topless on the beach; Q: nude beaches urinating A: see More tales from the nude beach...), as well as a bunch of stuff I didn't cover:
Q: women have you ever done to the nudists beach to see naked guys
A: You mean gone? Probably some have, but not nearly so many as guys who go there to see the naked women.
Q: are nude beaches fun?
A: Yes.
Q: why aren't more beaches topless
A: Some people like to go swimming and not see naked people. Hard to believe, but true.
Q: why do women go topless on beaches ?
A: Does there have to be a reason?
Q: nude sunbathing benefits of
A: Uniformizes your skin cancer risk.
Q: extreme nude beaches
A: lol, regular nude beaches aren't exciting enough?
Q: why do the french have topless beaches in france
A: Where the hell else are they going to have them???
Q: nude sunbathing is ok with mom
A: That's good. You should really always get your mom's approval on this...
And the list goes on and on. I can't begin to tell you how many queries I get for sexy pics of people in particular places ever since I joked about that here. (Of course I have not posted any nude pics at all of anyone on my blog unless you count those silly little naked comics.) Actually those queries are some of the most entertaining (for my inner anthropologist) since I get a uniform distribution of people with local tastes (eg. the query "sexy ladies of boise idaho" coming in on an I.P. address in Boise, Idaho, or the query "sexy arab ladies" coming in from an I.P. address in the United Arab Emirates) and then people with really, really random exotic tastes (eg. the query "sexy naked ladies of Belgium" coming in from Cleveland, Ohio). I'll just say that -- if my stats are any indication -- no matter where you're from on the whole planet, somebody, somewhere wants to see you naked. ;^)
Then, of course, we have the whole range of Mormon-related questions:
Q: i found out my mormon boyfriend told another girl to wait for him
A: That sucks. On the other hand, if he's two-timing you while on his mission and you're at home, you could always try dating somebody else...
Q: you're an apostate
A: Why, thank you!
Q: lds teenage masturbation solutions
A: Believers probably won't like my solution, but I'll post it since you asked: Tell him/her it's normal (and private), and don't bug them about it.
Q: mormon girl can't date me sex
A: Well, those are the breaks. But (to give you another helpful cliché) there are other fish in the sea! :D
Q: i had sex with a mormon missionary
A: Well, that was very, very naughty of you!!! That's totally against their rules. Sheesh, I couldn't even get them to come to my house unchaperoned, see my series of mishie stories.
Q: are there girls at byu who have had sex
A: Yes. But that's against the rules too.
Q: sister missionaries sexy pics
A: I'm beginning to think some of you people don't really understand how this whole mission thing works...
Q: are there different types of mormons
A: Yes. In fact, I've made a whole handy guide to different types of Mormons.
Q: download exmormon c.l. hanson
A: I have chosen not to make this book avaliable for anonymous download. If you want an e-copy, you have to email me: chanson dot exmormon at gmail dot com
Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to wrap this up since it's getting so long that blogger is choking on the autosave. It's too bad, too, because I've barely scratched the surface of the whole families of fabulous search queries I've gotten lately!!!
Oh well, I'll end with a really nice one I got the other day:
Q: most popular blog ex mormon mom
A: Aww, if only it were true!!! :D I'm flattered that this led you to my blog anyway, and I plan to keep on providing you with useful and/or entertaining stories right here at "Letters from a Broad"! :D
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Googl-oetry (search query poetry)
Through the magic of the Internet, the technique of making collages out of "found objects" can now be applied to poetry!!! The Exterminator followed by Ordinary Girl have created some astonishing poetry out of search queries that have led people to their blogs. Poetry is not my strong point, so this meme is a bit of a challenge for me, but it looked like so much fun that I had to try it!!!
Since my blog is currently going through the constellation of sexuality, my poem today is a comic-erotic poem. I was hoping to make a limerick, but the medium of search queries has its limitations... ;^)
Every line below is a (completely unedited) search query that led someone to my blog with the past few days!!!
looking for sexiest blog
nude beaches
topless beaches
unsuspecting photos of topless beach goers
moms at the beach topless here's some pics
is it wrong for my 5 year old to go topless
can you go topless in egypt
france male nude beaches
handsome men in kilts
photos of naked male bodyworker
men in kilts with no underwear
whale sex parts
picture of whales mating
studies about sex on the first date
is it ok to have sex on the first date
funny naked people
comic nudity
tucson topless sunbathing
nude beaches in nj pics
topless sunbathing in slovakia
topless beaches in new jersey
functioning democracy new jersey
sexually aroused look in his eye
men just can't help leering
people naked in the shower
topless/nude older women
promiscuous women
france public sex
sex mit der ex
masturbating public sex stories
why does porn lead to masterbation
mormon girls
byu chicks
naughty mormon girls
sex at byu
my first sexual experiences
post mormons
cultural mormonism
mormon sexuality
mormons virginity
any scrapbooking companies not owned by mormans?
an atheist's story
erotic atheists
intimate spirituality
atheist waiting until marriage to have sex
it takes a lot of faith to be an athiest
believe in love. believe in magic. hell, believe in santa cl
Since my blog is currently going through the constellation of sexuality, my poem today is a comic-erotic poem. I was hoping to make a limerick, but the medium of search queries has its limitations... ;^)
Every line below is a (completely unedited) search query that led someone to my blog with the past few days!!!
looking for sexiest blog
nude beaches
topless beaches
unsuspecting photos of topless beach goers
moms at the beach topless here's some pics
is it wrong for my 5 year old to go topless
can you go topless in egypt
france male nude beaches
handsome men in kilts
photos of naked male bodyworker
men in kilts with no underwear
whale sex parts
picture of whales mating
studies about sex on the first date
is it ok to have sex on the first date
funny naked people
comic nudity
tucson topless sunbathing
nude beaches in nj pics
topless sunbathing in slovakia
topless beaches in new jersey
functioning democracy new jersey
sexually aroused look in his eye
men just can't help leering
people naked in the shower
topless/nude older women
promiscuous women
france public sex
sex mit der ex
masturbating public sex stories
why does porn lead to masterbation
mormon girls
byu chicks
naughty mormon girls
sex at byu
my first sexual experiences
post mormons
cultural mormonism
mormon sexuality
mormons virginity
any scrapbooking companies not owned by mormans?
an atheist's story
erotic atheists
intimate spirituality
atheist waiting until marriage to have sex
it takes a lot of faith to be an athiest
believe in love. believe in magic. hell, believe in santa cl
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
More whale naughty bits!!!
Ever since I posted about the birds and the bees and the whales I've gotten a whole bunch of search queries by people looking for pictures of whale genitals.
Why? I have no idea.
Some bloggers get annoyed when their blogs attract search queries that look like they may be from weirdos. But I'm not like that. Whenever I get those weirdo queries, I like to see it as just more free data for my inner anthropologist. Plus only cool people read my blog, so I'm willing to give these people the benefit of the doubt!
If they're looking for such an image, I'm sure they have some legitimate scientific and/or whale fetish purpose for wanting to see whales getting it on.
So without further ado, here's the picture you're looking for:
a whale of a big zizi
(I've linked to the image instead of inlining it to protect those with more delicate sensibilities.)
See that big pointy white thing in the picture? Yes, that is what you think it is.
(I bet you thought I was going to link to some entirely different picture just to be funny. Nah, the real thing is funny enough.)
Poor whale!!! He probably had no idea that he was going to become a porn star!!!
Actually it's possible that this may be the largest penis ever filmed in a sex scene. According to the documentary the testicles alone weigh more than a full ton!!! Mere human porn stars -- eat your hearts out!!! ;-)
Why? I have no idea.
Some bloggers get annoyed when their blogs attract search queries that look like they may be from weirdos. But I'm not like that. Whenever I get those weirdo queries, I like to see it as just more free data for my inner anthropologist. Plus only cool people read my blog, so I'm willing to give these people the benefit of the doubt!
If they're looking for such an image, I'm sure they have some legitimate scientific and/or whale fetish purpose for wanting to see whales getting it on.
So without further ado, here's the picture you're looking for:
a whale of a big zizi
(I've linked to the image instead of inlining it to protect those with more delicate sensibilities.)
See that big pointy white thing in the picture? Yes, that is what you think it is.
(I bet you thought I was going to link to some entirely different picture just to be funny. Nah, the real thing is funny enough.)
Poor whale!!! He probably had no idea that he was going to become a porn star!!!
Actually it's possible that this may be the largest penis ever filmed in a sex scene. According to the documentary the testicles alone weigh more than a full ton!!! Mere human porn stars -- eat your hearts out!!! ;-)
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Nice, friendly naked people...
Okay, one more post about funny search queries that have led people to my blog (such as the title of this post).
My earlier post may have given you the idea that every morning I'm sitting at my computer -- coffee mug in hand -- reading the logs of my blog's statcounter and chuckling over all of the hilarious search queries.
That impression would be absolutely correct.
If you found this blog through a search engine, you may rest assured that I will read your query search terms. And if they're funny, I'll have a good laugh about it!!! (But remember, I'm laughing with you, not at you. No, really!!!)
This blog attracts the most hilarious queries!!! Unfortunately, I can't give you too many examples since I don't normally save them. I was just saving the sex/nudity related ones for anthropological research, but I've stopped doing even that since it's too time-consuming.
I've saved a few, though. One confusing one I got recently was this: "how to talk to my father about the birds and the bees."
I read that one and thought: "Wait a minute -- you don't talk to your parents about the birds and the bees, you talk to your kids about that." Then I thought maybe the search query was actually typed by a kid. That made it even more confusing since I was thinking "Why do you need to ask your parents about sex if you know how to use google?"
Oh, well. Hopefully my birds and bees and whales post was helpful to this person... ;-)
But I think my all-time favorite was when someone came in on a search for "nice, friendly naked people."
Because I cover a lot of topics on this blog (living in France, literature, feminism/sexuality/politics, parenting, cultural Mormon community, Mormonism in general, my family, my fond memories, etc.), but when it comes right down to it, that's what this blog is really all about: nice, friendly naked people. ;-)
My earlier post may have given you the idea that every morning I'm sitting at my computer -- coffee mug in hand -- reading the logs of my blog's statcounter and chuckling over all of the hilarious search queries.
That impression would be absolutely correct.
If you found this blog through a search engine, you may rest assured that I will read your query search terms. And if they're funny, I'll have a good laugh about it!!! (But remember, I'm laughing with you, not at you. No, really!!!)
This blog attracts the most hilarious queries!!! Unfortunately, I can't give you too many examples since I don't normally save them. I was just saving the sex/nudity related ones for anthropological research, but I've stopped doing even that since it's too time-consuming.
I've saved a few, though. One confusing one I got recently was this: "how to talk to my father about the birds and the bees."
I read that one and thought: "Wait a minute -- you don't talk to your parents about the birds and the bees, you talk to your kids about that." Then I thought maybe the search query was actually typed by a kid. That made it even more confusing since I was thinking "Why do you need to ask your parents about sex if you know how to use google?"
Oh, well. Hopefully my birds and bees and whales post was helpful to this person... ;-)
But I think my all-time favorite was when someone came in on a search for "nice, friendly naked people."
Because I cover a lot of topics on this blog (living in France, literature, feminism/sexuality/politics, parenting, cultural Mormon community, Mormonism in general, my family, my fond memories, etc.), but when it comes right down to it, that's what this blog is really all about: nice, friendly naked people. ;-)
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Today's navel-gazing: search queries!
Blogging is an inherently self-referential activity isn't it?
In the spirit of self-referentiality, I'd like to share with you today the many amusing search queries that have led people to this blog!
I'll call the first category "Right on the money!" These are the ones whose searches led them to exactly the right place:
French husband bilingual children Exactly!
french superstitions dog poop Now how many people have bloogged about French superstitions regarding dog poop as I did here? Not many, I'll wager!!
spirituality and sexuality yep, right here
why i hate church explained here
"Student Review" BYU see above
truth or dare I've posted a story on that here
exmormon story Perfect!!! Everyone should be looking for my story!!!
exmormon moms Yep, that's me!!!
sexy mom also me!!!
wacky parenting theories Whose parenting theories are wackier than mine?
"life and france" yep
Here are the queries of bunch of people came here looking for stuff about Mormons or exmormons. Yep, I definitely talk about Mormonism and exmormonism here!
exmo blog
exmormon blogspot
exmormon
cultural mormon
lds
latter day saints
LDS
mormonism
lds doctrine
mormons
Others came looking for erotica:
sexuality
intimate love
sex stories
But my favorites are the ones who were specifically looking for stuff about Mormons having sex. Like at BYU for example. Now who else but me blogs so entertainingly about that?
mormon sexuality
"having sex" byu
lds sex
Then there are those specifically looking for me, alone or in connection with other blogs:
letters from a broad
C.L. Hanson
C.L.Hanson ex-Mormon blog
"from a broad" c l hanson
C.L. Hansen Mormon
"Feminist Mormon Housewives" "C. L. Hanson"
c l hansen journalist
cl hansen globalize this Even misspelling my made-up name, they find this place!!! Go Google!!!
Here's the "Okay, more or less" category. My blog might contain some of what these people were looking for:
Uses of the word like That was covered some in my grammar police post
"Joni Hilton" womans day I wrote about her books here, but if she did an article for Woman's Day, I don't know about it...
Apostolic United Bretheren I mentioned these guys as a background source for part of my novel, but I intentionally avoided fingering a specific group in my fictional story as explained in this disclaimer. And one point of this disclaimer I'd like to emphasize is that my little fictional story is harmless. Not worth hunting me down over. Indeed that would only give the story more publicity, so please polygamist guys, don't do it!! Thanks in advance!!! :D
Game Theory and mating strategies Well my primatologist looks at the Mathematical community post may give insight into the mating strategies of game theorists, but that's probably not what this person was looking for...
"merde alors" means I wrote a post entitled merde alors, but I never explained what it means!! Sorry!!
Saturday's warrior Humble missionary There's a segment in my novel about Saturday's Warrior, including characters playing all of the different roles, but that's probably not what this person was hoping for...
"motley vision" Entertaining blog. I talk about them sometimes (like here and here). You can find them directly here.
letters from liaisons dangereuse I wrote about that novel here, but didn't quote any of the letters extensively.
mormon mission bolivia Close... Actually, I was saying that Bolivia is where I was hoping my son would not be serving a Mormon mission in my discussion here...
Feminist Mormon Yeah, if you define "Mormon" very loosely...
cake decorating I talked about a novel that mentions cake decorating here, but I don't know much about it myself. On the other hand, if you're looking for erotic cakes, then you want JLO's blog here.
Here we have one person that arrived on these four search queries in a row:
hate exmo-social
exmo-social bat
left exmo-social
exmo social
Okay, I'm a regular on exmo-social, but I haven't blogged about anyone hating or leaving it, and I don't have any dirt on bat. Sorry!
This last group is a category I like to call "Bzzt! Wrong!" for people who sadly came to the wrong blog. Some stayed to look around anyway though. The fact that this category is so much smaller than the others is I suppose a tribute to the effectiveness of modern search algorithms!!!
C.L. Lewis Mormon Maybe you meant C.S. Lewis? Just a guess...
Nick Hanson stands for No idea who that is...
free sex letters Looking for letters that will get you free sex? Interesting idea, but my blog won't help you...
examples support relationship letters I don't know what this means, but I don't think I have any...
William Faulkner Theme of Rigidity My cousin mentioned Faulkner in passing here, but I'm pretty sure she didn't cover any "theme of rigidity"...
LETTERS OF APOLOGIES Me? apologize? Hahahahahahaha!!!
In the spirit of self-referentiality, I'd like to share with you today the many amusing search queries that have led people to this blog!
I'll call the first category "Right on the money!" These are the ones whose searches led them to exactly the right place:
French husband bilingual children Exactly!
french superstitions dog poop Now how many people have bloogged about French superstitions regarding dog poop as I did here? Not many, I'll wager!!
spirituality and sexuality yep, right here
why i hate church explained here
"Student Review" BYU see above
truth or dare I've posted a story on that here
exmormon story Perfect!!! Everyone should be looking for my story!!!
exmormon moms Yep, that's me!!!
sexy mom also me!!!
wacky parenting theories Whose parenting theories are wackier than mine?
"life and france" yep
Here are the queries of bunch of people came here looking for stuff about Mormons or exmormons. Yep, I definitely talk about Mormonism and exmormonism here!
exmo blog
exmormon blogspot
exmormon
cultural mormon
lds
latter day saints
LDS
mormonism
lds doctrine
mormons
Others came looking for erotica:
sexuality
intimate love
sex stories
But my favorites are the ones who were specifically looking for stuff about Mormons having sex. Like at BYU for example. Now who else but me blogs so entertainingly about that?
mormon sexuality
"having sex" byu
lds sex
Then there are those specifically looking for me, alone or in connection with other blogs:
letters from a broad
C.L. Hanson
C.L.Hanson ex-Mormon blog
"from a broad" c l hanson
C.L. Hansen Mormon
"Feminist Mormon Housewives" "C. L. Hanson"
c l hansen journalist
cl hansen globalize this Even misspelling my made-up name, they find this place!!! Go Google!!!
Here's the "Okay, more or less" category. My blog might contain some of what these people were looking for:
Uses of the word like That was covered some in my grammar police post
"Joni Hilton" womans day I wrote about her books here, but if she did an article for Woman's Day, I don't know about it...
Apostolic United Bretheren I mentioned these guys as a background source for part of my novel, but I intentionally avoided fingering a specific group in my fictional story as explained in this disclaimer. And one point of this disclaimer I'd like to emphasize is that my little fictional story is harmless. Not worth hunting me down over. Indeed that would only give the story more publicity, so please polygamist guys, don't do it!! Thanks in advance!!! :D
Game Theory and mating strategies Well my primatologist looks at the Mathematical community post may give insight into the mating strategies of game theorists, but that's probably not what this person was looking for...
"merde alors" means I wrote a post entitled merde alors, but I never explained what it means!! Sorry!!
Saturday's warrior Humble missionary There's a segment in my novel about Saturday's Warrior, including characters playing all of the different roles, but that's probably not what this person was hoping for...
"motley vision" Entertaining blog. I talk about them sometimes (like here and here). You can find them directly here.
letters from liaisons dangereuse I wrote about that novel here, but didn't quote any of the letters extensively.
mormon mission bolivia Close... Actually, I was saying that Bolivia is where I was hoping my son would not be serving a Mormon mission in my discussion here...
Feminist Mormon Yeah, if you define "Mormon" very loosely...
cake decorating I talked about a novel that mentions cake decorating here, but I don't know much about it myself. On the other hand, if you're looking for erotic cakes, then you want JLO's blog here.
Here we have one person that arrived on these four search queries in a row:
hate exmo-social
exmo-social bat
left exmo-social
exmo social
Okay, I'm a regular on exmo-social, but I haven't blogged about anyone hating or leaving it, and I don't have any dirt on bat. Sorry!
This last group is a category I like to call "Bzzt! Wrong!" for people who sadly came to the wrong blog. Some stayed to look around anyway though. The fact that this category is so much smaller than the others is I suppose a tribute to the effectiveness of modern search algorithms!!!
C.L. Lewis Mormon Maybe you meant C.S. Lewis? Just a guess...
Nick Hanson stands for No idea who that is...
free sex letters Looking for letters that will get you free sex? Interesting idea, but my blog won't help you...
examples support relationship letters I don't know what this means, but I don't think I have any...
William Faulkner Theme of Rigidity My cousin mentioned Faulkner in passing here, but I'm pretty sure she didn't cover any "theme of rigidity"...
LETTERS OF APOLOGIES Me? apologize? Hahahahahahaha!!!
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